Hi Jake,
I’m still in love with my ex-husband. It’s been eight years since I ended things when it became clear he didn’t love me. He didn’t disagree. He met someone new shortly thereafter and remarried a year later. Still, I think of him daily. I wish he still loved me. On my bad days, I regret ending our 12-year relationship and think I lost the love of my life. But he was a liar and a cheater. I know he was wrong for me. How do I let this go?
Sincerely,
Stuck Like Glue
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Dear Stuck Like Glue,
Eight years is a pretty long time to beat yourself up for a relationship that you knew wasn’t right for you. I can tell by your letter that ultimately you know you needed to break up with him. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and respected.
If he was cheating, lying, and admitted he didn’t love you, then of course you had to let him go. That said, sometimes it can be hard not to obsess about the past. You may be feeling lonely now, and you can trick yourself into wondering if maybe it wasn’t so bad, or you made the wrong decision. Don’t second guess yourself.
You say you’re “still in love” with your ex, and maybe you do love him, but I wonder if what’s actually happening here is that you are stuck in a cycle of victimizing yourself.
When you lament a past decision, or what life used to be like (or could be like), you’re not in the present moment, when everything is actually fine. There’s a part of your psyche that may even feel comfortable in that victim place.
Perhaps that’s what you knew as a child, or in earlier years, so it’s what’s familiar to you. You’re now caught in a pattern of re-creating that feeling, which actually makes it less about your ex, and more to do with you and your emotional state.
You were already victimized once by the cheating, lying, and not being loved, but yet the last eight years has been a continuation of that process that only you contributed to, not him. Your ex is off living his new life. Only you have the power to now inhibit your own happiness. Chances are, the version of him you are pining for again doesn’t even exist. It’s just fantasy.
What would it be like if for the next year of your life, instead of lamenting on something that wasn’t good for you anyway, you begin to think about what’s next for you, and look for those opportunities?
What if you finally ask the cute guy at Chipotle if he wants to grab coffee, or join a new dating app?
This may be a juncture for you, a chance to really ask yourself if you want to continue doing this to yourself, or if you want to make a decision to move on and love yourself fully. You don’t deserve to be victimized, by yourself or anyone else.
Perhaps you could even create a symbolic ritual, maybe sage your living space to start fresh, or close and lock a box with your ex’s socks he never picked up from you after the breakup (or in true dramatic form, you could burn them in the backyard). This would give you a chance to put the past behind you, and start anew.
We all want to be loved, and I can tell you are no exception. The good news is, there’s one person always available to you. As RuPaul says every Friday night, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
The main priority is always taking care of yourself first, even if that means giving up that sadistic, yet comfortable habit of wallowing in a loss. We can’t control what others do, but we can control how we treat ourselves.
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first platform for online therapy authentically for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy
chase_boston
reclaim your ¨Giulio¨ is the solution of moving on : however it is essential to receive admission of truth from your perpetrator who had very different intentions. However, since so many narcisst exist in our world perpetatue this syndrome and others fall in line continueing an open wound and have the next Victim roll over in this sick system where we then are left pretending in a Gemini, two faced social construct hoping to find Mr. Right.
hotdogla
Insightful.
Catholicslutbox
There’s a difference between breaking up with, and being dumped.
cuteguy
I agree with all of this. You have to love yourself first. It’s hard, especially if you didn’t have the greatest childhood, and many in the lgbt community can identify with this. I’m currently in therapy trying to get over my abusive toxic narcissistic ex, but come to realize it had more to do with healing and loving myself and implementing healthy boundaries, then no one will have that power over you ever again and you can live your best life
hotdogla
Good on you! I agree with everything you said.
ryeguypdx
We get stuck on the whole “love of my life” concept, far too much. Putting aside that there are so many fish in the sea — it’s endless, the amount of guys to meet — I got let off the hook when someone advised me to switch from “he was the love of my life”, to “he was the love of my twenties”, or better yet, “he was the love of my early thirties”. Otherwise, we’re screwed when it doesn’t work out.
Paulie P
This is going to sound harsh but the letter itself is pretty pathetic. He asked and answered his own question multiple times in the letter. Maybe that is why he didn’t disagree with you..
Donston
It took me several years to get over the dude I fell in love with in my early 20s. However, the letter does seem extreme. It sounds less like being stuck on an ex and more to do with mental health and self-esteem struggles. Some self-love and therapy could be in order.
AVD9
The therapist nor any of the previous responses seem concerned about the reasons behind the mans 8 year obsession. Trite exercises masquerading as therapeutic tools will just make him feel worse and not get closer to the reasons why he is obsessed. A carefully skilled therapist asking pertinent questions and inquiry, with empathy and interest, can uncover the deeper reasons for this obsession and give a new understanding to this man’s inner workings in a way not having this obsession could never have accomplished.
trsxyz
Agree that therapy is long overdue. It should speed-up the process of getting beyond this, and might uncover (and deal with…) other issues that created this particular logjam.
Cam
All the reasons the relationship ended would still be there. He should get into therapy. Calling somebody who lied, cheated admitted they didn’t love you is the love of your life is not a great mindset.
joeboyle49
AMEN TO THAT HE NEEDS THERAPY AND HE NEEDS TO LOVE HIMSELF FIRST!! ONCE HE DOES THAT THEN HE CAN ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE!
quoahog
Neoprene. You are a total dick
quoahog
There are many reasons not to let go. Maybe he was great in bed. Maybe it was his first true love. Sometimes the challenge of rejection fuels obsession. Whatever the reason, time heals wounds. My recommendation is to force yourself to move on. Don’t give in to thinking about that past relationship. Once you enter the right relationship, your brain will gradually replace the lost obsession with a new love.
rand503
Absolutely correct. The real problem is why isn’t he over it when HE ended it and for good reasons? I don’t know why, and neither does he, which is why he needs a therapist. It shouldn’t take more than a year to get over the worst.
When I was young, I fell in love with a straight guy and obsessed over him for years. I was not mentally healthy back then and with help, I got much better. He needs to do same.
marshal phillips
Tell it to a therapist in weekly sessions until the answer to your question comes from within yourself.
patricklee5150
Well, in my book, you’re the loser! Does it make you feel big, strong & superior by attacking & name calling a person who is clearly in pain? You are pathetic!
CityguyUSA
Similar situation only mine was just a liar. I broke up with him quite a while back. I’m not in love with him anymore nor have I been for several years what I’m in love with was the life. Now because of health problems it’s not like the prospects are easy to find. And as we age and all the problems in dealing with gay men that have insecurity issues, intimacy issues, relationship issues, commitment issues, lying, cheating and all the other wonderful attributes like unable to keep a job or have a career, didn’t have to call mommy and daddy when he ran out of money, etc its not like the choices are that great. I don’t mean to stereotype but if the pump fits wear it. It wasn’t that easy before my health issues because everyone wants to be with the underwear model which was my first bf. I watched as they all tried to pick him up as I stood there as the invisible man. I couldn’t stand it. To have to constantly not know when it was going to end. Because of how gay men judge by looks it’s only going to be so long until someone came along that was able to replace me and so the guy I once knew as my first love that used to make me weak in the knees did eventually move on. It was painful but I was still young and there seemed to be so much ahead. At 33 I found him or he found me. I had a crush on him from the first day I had seen him but he had been with the same guy for years. Except now he was HIV+ something that someone had suspected and told me. It seemed unproblematic at first until I started having my own health problems that I guess was starting to make me feel more vulnerable. God damn it. I just wanted someone that could be him without the problems of having to be safe. In the end I realized that I never had to worry if he cheated because I was always being careful so in an odd way it worked for a while and I knew I wasn’t going to be the guy that became HIV+ because my bf cheated on me. If I did become HIV+ it was my own stupidity.
The area is essentially dying. We used to have 3 gay bars in operation most of the time. They’re all gone now. The apps are the worst. They offer nothing but more liars. I understand how you can fall back to wishing you have what you did but you’d soon find out that you made the right choice it’s easy to want to go back and just overlook the problems but you just can’t. They’ll resurface almost immediately. How much are you willing to overlook and for how long? I guess you could hope that he grew up but there’s no guarantee.
ScottOnEarth
This guy is a dummy and I LOOOOVE “Thinkin’ Bout my Ex”!!! One of Janet’s best.
radiooutmike
Eight years, and the guy never thought, “Hey, maybe I should see a professional about this?”
barryaksarben
My first adult relationship ended badly as I cheated thinking it was ok to do so since my parents both cheated alot and yet stayed together. My ex loved me and I him but he was right in dumping me but we both regretted it for years and although he and I both found other loves I never got over him and never will. He was the one and I screwed up. There is definately a love of my life no matter what any of you arm chair therapists think. I then married another man who I did love and did not cheat on as I had learned my lesson. We were together 15 yr until he died suddenly and I do mourn him and miss him but the first is the one I would want to see again if given the chance.
AxelDC
I hate to put a timeline on recovering from a relationship, but 8 years is a long time. Put in perspective, that’s about 1/5 of your adult life spent mourning a lost love instead of finding a new one.
tjack47
No one can treat you poorly unless you give them permission to do it. He’s grieving. His is a complicated grief. He needs professional counseling. He’s still in the denial stage.
amanwithanedge
Thank you Janet. Love it!!
Prowelsh56
Good Lord! His self image and consciousness. His conscious decision to be stuck.
GayEGO
It takes two to tango! My lifetime partner of 57 years told me I taught him how to love. He passed away at 88 two years ago. Fortunately, he taught me how to live, I will be 80 in September.