We’ve seen plenty of red flags in the dating world—rudeness, flakiness, and femmephobia are some dating dealbreakers gay Redditors listed in a recent thread on the matter.
We’ve also heard of beige flags, those quirks that are sometimes endearing and sometimes weird. Reciting the etymology of the name of every new acquaintance is one, online dating coach Max Alley told TODAY.com, as is knowing and constantly singing the lyrics to every Jack Harlow song.
But what about the green flags, the signs that you may have found your one true love?
How about we take this to the next level?
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The Redditors of r/askgaybros recently shared examples of model behavior they’ve encountered, and here are a choice few of the responses:
“Doesn’t go radio silent and take hours to text back.”
“Making plans/being open about his schedule. A guy who tells you what days he works for, like, the next week isn’t trying to avoid you and legit wants to spend time together. I had a guy once tell me to come visit him on his lunch break at like 9 p.m. (he worked overnight) and I legit drove an hour and 10 minutes just to sit in a car with him for 40 minutes and talk, lol.”
“He does my dishes without me asking, you guys.”
“Empathy and the ability to listen.”
“Early on in our relationship, my mom had a bad car accident/medical emergency that required me to drop everything and go be with her. I was upset and distraught, and I messaged him about what happened and what I needed to do. He dropped everything at work and told me he’d be there shortly to drive me, so I wouldn’t have to make the drive while I was upset/crying. They only allowed one visitor at a time, so when I went inside, he spent hours waiting in the car in the parking lot for me. When we had to go take care of other things for my mom after her accident, he was there for every step. He treated her like she was his mom. I knew then I had a real partner through thick and thin. I’ve been lucky enough to support him in his times of need, too. That experience showed me it was the real deal. Not just talking about love but showing it.”
“The greenest flag a guy has ever had is showing genuine kindness and respect not only to you but to everyone around him. This means he treats wait staff, family, friends, and even strangers with the same level of respect and kindness he shows you. It demonstrates that his good nature is consistent and not just a facade to impress you.”
“Makes you dinner for when you get back from work. Genuinely cares about you by listening to you and understanding that when you’re not OK, they don’t take it personally. Good with animals. Good with strangers. Funny.”
“Last year, I got a letter in the mail with a fine for running a red light in a random town in New York. I was surprised because I drive like a grandma. But the evidence was irrefutable (traffic camera) and the fine was only $75, so I paid it. I mentioned it in passing to the guy I was hooking up with then. He remembered that he actually drove that morning. And sent me $75 right away. He didn’t say anything and just did it. If I had remembered that he drove, I’d have never mentioned it, let alone asked to be reimbursed. It’s my car and my responsibility. But I appreciated that he owned up and reimbursed me as if there was no other option and without any fanfare.”
“Always making time to spend with you, even if it’s a workday. The three months we’ve been hanging out, not once has he ‘canceled’ or gone back on our plans. Even when he was clearly tired from a long day’s work, he never once complained.”
Related*
Gay men name their red flags in the dating world that are dealbreakers
“The ones that go above and beyond to prove they’re ‘not like other gays.’”
“He says what he means and then does what he says. When he said, ‘I’ll call you around 6 tomorrow evening, and you decide the movie, and I will decide where we go to dinner,’ he called at 6, and we went out as planned. This went on for a year as we fell in love. Together 15 years now and married eight. And he still is just as reliable and supportive and loving. He is a total giver, as am I in return. (In case you are wondering where I found him, I went on one to two coffee dates a month for seven years. He was coffee date #123. They are out there, but it really is a numbers game to find the love of your life.)”
“Commits his whole weekend to spending time with me. He has a tiring job, so he doesn’t like meeting during the workweek. Makes a point to see me every weekend. General kindness to everyone. Open communication with me and sending random ‘thinking of you’ texts during the day. Listening to my ADHD word vomit moments. Even says, ‘No, keep going, I like hearing you talk about what you’re interested in,’ when I apologize for the 30-minute information dump of a random topic.”
“This is a hard one to articulate, but I guess I’d call the trait I’m thinking of multidimensionality. For instance, if a guy is great-looking and not unaware of it but also understands that looks aren’t everything. Or if a guy can appreciate and enjoy gay nightlife within reason but isn’t blind to the superficiality of it. If a guy can present himself in a casual, unfussy way in normal circumstances but knows how to look fantastic for a special occasion. He’s kind but knows how and when to be tough, even aggressive, in a principled way. Et cetera, et cetera.”
Note: Responses have been edited for grammar and readability.
Related*
This epic Grindr chat between two bottoms still has the gays in their feelings
All hail to these bottom kings!
winemaker
I’ll add another and after being out for a number of years and meeting men in the usual gay venues, the gym at a bar etc and dealing with the usual nonsense, cheaters, fakes, flakes, liars, losers and game players that bring nothing to the table, here’s how to determine the keepers from those that waste your time and emotions and need to be dumped: Men who aren’t rude or pretentious and don’t give you attitude but are kind and considerate, open and honest. Guys who don’t play childish mind games and are sincere and are interested in more than a meaningless and emotionless hook up that goes nowhere. These types of men are out there and acan be somewhat difficult to find but are looking for similar qualities. The list of course is virtually endless but this is a good start.
barryaksarben
I had moved to a new city and. was seeing a therapist who unbeknownst to me had been my lovers therapist for a few years and after a year he let me know saying ti took him some time to realize that my PHILIP was his client as well. we all became very close friends and he at a party told my husband that he had nothing to worry about because. the way I told my experiences matched his almost exactly .we were together til he died 4 yrs ago. not really a green flag but a pretty funny story about meeting a lover