Until recently, writer C. Brian Smith strictly identified as a top for most of his life, partly from internalized homophobia and partly from a fear of “fear of sh*tt*ng the bed while being impaled by a fencepost.” Yikes.
But thanks to a New Year’s resolution to lose his “receptive anal V-card,” Smith recently saw a “bottoming coach”: Ken Howard, founder of GayTherapyLA, the self-described “leading gay men’s specialist therapist in Los Angeles.”
Smith negatively saw bottoming as “subordinate, submissive and feminine,” but Howard reminded him that the submissive partner in gay sex is often seen as assertive and tough for being able to endure potential discomfort for a long time.
One of the “bottom experts” Smith interviewed told him to be patient with his own discomfort over identifying as a bottom since “It takes time to unblind yourself from lifelong assumptions.”
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Smith learned the importance of relaxing his two inner anal sphincters and beginning sex in a position that allows the bottom to control the speed of penetration. He also briefly mentioned how some men use poppers to help relax their bodies’ smooth, involuntary muscles.
He also had his butt waxed (though that’s not absolutely necessary for bottoming). You can see his brief chat with the waxing technician below.
Smith also learned that practice before “game day” is essential for helping reduce pain and nervousness. He writes, “Dry(ish) runs can be done at home using nothing more than fingers, toys and deep breathing.” Practicing alone, one can learn how to relax interior muscles under pressure.
Smith also reduced his fear of poop by learning more about pre-sex douching and the importance of fiber for helping with full evacuations. He also got a prescription for pre-exposure prophylactics (PrEP), a medication with greatly reduces the chance of acquiring HIV.
Related: Troye Sivan ‘blooms’ in new video for summer’s #1 bottoming anthem
Dr. Mark McCormack, a professor of sociology at the University of Roehampton, London, told Smith, “Decreased homophobia is allowing straight men to be more emotionally intimate and explore anal, but it’s also enabling some gay men to be less concerned about having to prove they’re as macho as their straight counterparts.”
You really should read Smith’s hilariously honest and full article about his quest to find his inner bottom. He’s also written funny and insightful pieces on the history of men’s no-frill lingerie, masturbating in his childhood home and his attempts to achieve the perfect butt.
Wicked Dickie
‘…Until recently, writer C. Brian Smith strictly identified as a top for most of his life, partly from internalized homophobia and partly from a fear of “fear of sh*tt*ng the bed while being impaled by a fencepost.” Yikes….’ So he doesn’t mind sticking his “fencepost” into a shitty hole? What a douche.
1898
exactly. this guy is ridiculous, and apparently has more money than he knows what to do with
Wicked Dickie
Is this guy a new gay. He’s very naive. Oh, and by all means, get on PReP to avoid getting HIV, but doesn’t protect against Herpes. No need for condoms or monogamy when you have PReP (eyeroll).
Creamsicle
PrEP is just a tool, and it’s mean to be used in combination with condoms. All you can really do is give people tools and hope they’re smart enough to use them properly.
Godabed
Prep really has nothing to do with bottoming itself I have no idea why it was even mentioned in this article except for more Prep promotions.
It could have been covered by saying they went over contraceptive method since he was worried about STI’s which really also doesn’t make sense, since this man has been topping his entire life and should know this already.
Brian
Condoms don’t block lice, but that doesn’t mean they’re worthless. These are all tools in a toolbox.
Billy Budd
No pun intended, but this is all such an enormous amount of crap.
tjack47
I’m a versatile, but rectal health issues make it excruciating painful. I gave and received at one time. I didn’t care about how others perceived me. I don’t think he’s asking for a good on you man. I think it’s great when people with sexual issues of any kind are so open. I can’t give because of ED. There’s only one med I can take for it. It really doesn’t help much. As I’ve aged, and my health became problematic, I’ve learned to adapt. Rimming, fingering and even licking. stroking and kissing buttocks is fun. I love oral anyway. I’d like to see if you would do an article about sexual issues with gay seniors. There’s not much empathy out there, in my personal experience. Thanks. I enjoyed the article.
Doug
Once again, Queerty shows how obsessed they are with the concept of “tops and bottoms.” Someone on staff has got to be a bottom who’s ashamed that he enjoys it so he wants everyone else to be a bottom too.
Jack Meoff
What a boring article about a desperately ill-informed man.
Warwick
Barriers to sexual expression come from many directions.
Including PrEP in his learning and preparation is a great thing.
I’d imagine every Top has considered a certain relief at strategic positioning.
This man wants to have a good experience and sets about to do so.
There are some revolting comments here, from people who should be more concerned about the crap in there heads rather than someone’s desire not to be messy.
If you haven’t had sex where you think ‘just cum I’ve had enough’ you clearly haven’t had enough experience to comment.
WillFred2
A bottoming coach?? As if we need another bottom among gays in Western countries; there’s a huge oversupply for the few tops that exist and so most who are into penetrative sex are obliged to be “versatile” but prefer to “bottom”..
If there is one recommendation I would make to a newly sexually active gay – Be a top only if you can. Your choice of willing partners will be much higher and your risk of some diseases will decrease.
Unlike homosexuality, topping or bottoming IS a matter of choice, since about 30% of US gays (in one survey), don’t do or don’t like penetrative sex.
Rex Huskey
maybe he should give it ALL up
djmcgamester
This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Want to bottom? Bottom. No one ever goes to a coach for it. Find a top who knows what he’s doing and it’ll work out just fine. For years I was a verse top (I sometimes bottomed with a bf but didn’t love it)? Then I met a guy who rocked my world and loved to bottom. No coach necessary.
IMO – and this is only mine – is that versatility can make things better, allow for some different kinds of fun in the bedroom. It has also helped me to better connect with a bf since, for me, I get different kinds of intimacy based on which position I’m in. I cannot stress enough that this is what works for me personally. It’s my experience and not a judgment on the preference of other people. A verse bottom or verse top is preferable to me than a straight up top or bottom.
Brian
“Coach” is a silly title. What they’re really talking about is “sex education,” which absolutely everyone can use.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Guys who never bottom are missing out on half the pleasure and erotic ectascy of actually having sex. I am more muscular than most and most guys automatically assume when we hit the sheets that they should assume the position….
To those total tops out there there is nothing feminine nor submissive, nor emasculating about being a bottom. Rather it adds a lot more fun and enjoyment to sexual sessions….
Rob Moore
I’ve bottomed a number of times in my life. It’s never been awful nor has it been particularly good. It is something I do when I’m with someone who wants to top more than I don’t want to bottom. I have to be into him, but I’ll do it. The closest I’ve come to enjoy bottoming was with a man I loved madly, but there were no stars or rockets just a stronger sense of closeness. I would estimate, my ratio of bottoming to topping is three to seven. Topping is really really pleasant to me, and I enjoy when I can see the other man’s pleasure.
I suppose at this point, I am supposed to talk about how stupid Queerty’s articles are, but I don’t think they are. I’ve been reading Queerty for years. What I have come to believe is that the majority of posters would criticize the articles as stupid or pointless even if they were reporting on the gay pogroms of Chechnya or the public executions of people accused of being gay in Iran and Saudi Arabia. For those who are always throwing snark at Queerty, I suggest you stop reading the articles over and over and over then return to TMZ and People magazine.
HMFan
For a minute there I thought it was a young Bill Maher.