It’s happened to the best of us. After chatting with someone on Grindr for hours, you’re horned up as hell and ready to go, then you arrive at his place for that dream hookup and… he looks nothing like his picture.
Or maybe it’s not that he’s physically hideous, but he’s clearly high, acting weird, or there’s just something off. The chemistry isn’t there, or his apartment smells funky, or he failed to mention that he has a roommate who’s playing video games, right there, in the living room.
The question now is: What do you do next?
It’s easy to feel trapped in this situation. After all, you don’t really know this person, so you aren’t sure what his reaction might be if you say you’ve changed your mind. He may get angry. It might get scary, even dangerous. You may feel pity for him, because clearly if he has to catfish in order to get some action then obviously he doesn’t feel very highly about himself. Or maybe you just don’t want to hurt his feelings.
How about we take this to the next level?
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A lot of times, a person who misleads with their online presence is banking on the fact that if they can get a guy to come all the way to their place, he’ll be horny enough that he won’t care what they look like. They purposefully mislead with their photos, showing a more youthful, slimmer version of themselves from years ago to lure in potential sex partners.
If you’re one of these people, I’d encourage you to think very deeply about this. Do you really feel so poorly of yourself that you think manipulating someone for sex is the only way you’ll get it? If that’s the case, my hope is you can get yourself into therapy and work on your sense of self-worth.
Speaking of self-worth, that’s what’s at risk if you’re on the other end of this as well.
If you ever find yourself standing in the home of a complete stranger who lured you there under false pretenses, ask yourself how many times you’ve gone along with sex out of pity or fear of confrontation and how you felt afterwards. Chances are, if you go through with a hookup you’re not into, you’ll feel bad about yourself afterwards, overcome with a sense of shame, maybe even disgust. It’s a dirty feeling to know that you’ve allowed yourself to be manipulated, but even more so when you’ve sold yourself short by valuing someone else’s feelings over your own out of a false sense of obligation.
So how do you get around this all too common conundrum?
For starters, it can help to create a loophole in advance of a potential hookup. Clearly communicate to your potential trick beforehand that an initial meeting is not a guarantee of a hookup. It’s simply a chance for you to assess each other, in person, and decide whether you want to move forward. If either of you decide it’s not a match, then that’s perfectly OK and it’s nothing personal. The meeting could happen at his place or your place, or you could arrange to meet on neutral ground, like a nearby coffee shop or bar.
Loophole or not, don’t be afraid to say no. If you’re on the fence about a hookup, ask yourself if moving forward is more for you, or for him. If it’s the latter, then it’s probably not going to be a good thing for you psychologically. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. And if he’s upset at your decision, know that those feelings are on him, and it’s not up to you to manage them. If he continues to pressure you, hold a firm boundary. No means no, and anything else is not OK.
Lastly, if hurting someone’s feelings feels too intolerable, know that there are ways of saying things that are less hurtful. If you’re a straight shooter, you might be OK with telling someone they just don’t look like their picture and you’re going home, which is you’re prerogative; however, you can also tell them that you’re simply not feeling it, without going into details as to why. You don’t owe anyone anything. Or, even easier, just say you’re not feeling well in general and see yourself out.
No matter what your reason, trust that by following your true feelings, you’re going to feel a lot better in the end. Sure, it could mean you suffer a moment of feeling uncomfortable, but breathe through it. You’re worth it!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I’ve never been able to understand what motivates these guys I’ve had the experience of few times of meeting somebody and them looking absolutely nothing like what the pictures they sent
the absolute last straw was after I was invited to a house on the canal with a hot tub in the back and a boat for a moonlight cruise from a really really hot guy I walk up to the door and literally the crypt keeper answers the door. I’m like that’s strange his grandfather is answering the door. I asked Jeremy and he said “oh that’s me” I’m like what are you fcuking kidding me? He said “I’m sorry the pictures I sent you were a few years old” (like 60!)
rather than leave him with a mouth full of bloody Chiclets I simply walked away as I’m walking down the sidewalk he keeps yelling at numbers “I’ll give you a hundred 200, 300. 400″….
After that encounter now anytime I feel when talking with somebody is going to lead to a meeting I say I’m going to send you a picture right now with two thumbs up send me the same right away if it doesn’t come within a couple minutes I simply block them…
Chrisk
I’ve had that happen on Manhunt back in the day. I was a newbie at it still. The guy catfished me with a pic of a hot muscular guy. I get there and it’s jabba the hut. I was shocked. I ask where’s the guy. Oh that’s my friend. Yeah, right. Send him back then. He asked me if I wanted a massage though. Ahhh. nope. Pissed because I traveled 30 minutes. Too new at it to put him in his place though.
Our examples luckily are on the extreme side though. Well, beyond the white lies. Easy to tell them to just F*ck off and no bad feelings later.
maleficent
you reap what you sow…
CityguyUSA
For what you are suggesting the other person would have to tell you how they want you to appear.
BTW have you guys heard about “filters”? Somehow these have become acceptible catfishing. They don’t see it as a body makeovers if they add 6 pak abs. I can spot these adjustments fairly easily and I call them out for their fakery but they get nasty suggesting that filters are out their to be used and if I don’t have anything nice to say…if I have a right. Well I do because they are posting phony pictures to public spaces.
I had an advertiser try to tell me they used a soft lighting filter and when I went back to the offending pictures their entire abdomens had been deformed. A lot of people don’t pickup on these tricks because of the way brain interprets vision. Most of us have seen the sentences where each word’s letters are interposed where they don’t add letters or remove them but just jiggle them around and we will read it as if it’s a normal sentence not realizing the letters are out of order. The brain fills in holes with what it expects to see which also means that we see people differently because each of our brains has a slightly different expectation which maybe the very reason one person likes another but your friend is like if that’s what turns you on?
I tell them that I’d prefer to see their real bodies and that their need to filter has to do with their poor self-esteem and these filters are placing body expectstions that are going to harm them in the long run because they don’t have 6 pak abs and 17″ arms and they can’t live up to the image they are creating. This is the very same type of body dysmorphia that has brought us anorexia and bulemia as people try to liveup to what people expect of them you know the 20 pound models on the covers of magazines, only now it’s become available to the masses.
Chrisk
Ha. You’re back like the plague. I thought Queerty had some new anti spamming software.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
ChrisK: Queerts needs anti-spam AND anti-troll software unfortunately lately…
tjack47
There’s never a guarantee. Just politely say, “No, thank you. I hope you have a safe journey home.” Take care of it at the door, or even better, if you have a camera or a peephole, just don’t open the door or buzz him in.
Boston495
This advice is perfect. I had a guy show up to my house who said he was 35 5/10 185. He was more like 45 5/4 285. If he lied about that many things, was he also HIV- like he said???? I declined and mentioned his dishonestly. He then asked to use my bathroom. How could I say NO. When he did not come back, I found him naked in my bed and he said he would not leave until we had sex. (It was fun explaining that to the police). My advice, respect yourself first. Meet a stranger on neutral ground, preferable with lots of people around. You can always go back to one of your places quickly if it works out. But you can also walk away.
ElPillo
Agreee.the. Trolls and bots are such a turn off
ohiogreg
That’s why you meet people in a public place. Easier to get out of these situations and they don’t know where you live.
I don’t see the issue if the guy has a roommate playing video games in the Living Room. You’re most likely going to the bedroom.
maleficent
agree the best course.
glennmcbride
I once spent quite a bit of time chatting with someone online who according to his picture was cute with a gym body. I met him at a coffee shop and was shocked because he had gained at least 200 lbs since that picture was taken. I was polite and mentioned to him that he should show a current photo, and that I was not interested, sorry.
mark m
Being socially active at the birth of the cyber world, and age has nothing to do with it, I prefer the old world of non cyber life. In some cities like NYC the old ways can still work. Pubs, bookstores, baths, and subway flirting, well, at least you can see exactly how he looks, and smells. Just remember to image him naked when you are looking at him. One last thing, some times he (or me, pray god) looks better than his pics online.
DuMaurier
Dorothy Zbornak : Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger.
Sophia Petrillo : I didn’t send in your picture. I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Dorothy Zbornak : Ma, I am furious with you!
Sophia Petrillo : Think of how mad your date’s gonna be when he finds out he’s not going out with Janet Gaynor.
winemaker
Such are the perils of on line dating and hook up apps, men who lie and misrepresent themselves. Sad to say this is all too common. Too many creepy guys out there who for whatever reason can’t meet guys through regular ways, the gym, church etc and feel the need to lie and misrepresent themselves. So the guy looks great in his photo and seems like he’d be great to get to know after speaking with him on the phone. You arrange a physical meeting, not at your place or his place but a public place like a bar or coffee shop (in case he’s a dud or creepy) and if he doesn’t look anything like his photo, you know immediately he’s a liar and a flake. You don’t owe him anything. Make a polite, short and sweet exit before wasting time here.
MISTERJETT
i don’t accept dates unless i see you in person, so that’s not an issue for me.
skie763
This could never happen today with facetime etc. but it did happen quite often back in the day. I had one guy who told me he looked like Robert downey Jr. he looked more like Morton downey Jr! I have resorted to faking family deaths to leave horrible encounters,or just simply stated how sorry I was but he had a family emergency and had to leave…pretending not to be me. I always tried to be polite and understanding as not to hurt anyone. It cuts both ways though. I have had guys look through a window and just walk away and not take my calls any more. I was a handsome sexy guy with a hot body…at least thats what I was always told but understood that i was not attractive to everyone. Thank God those days are over! Lol. Happily married to the greatest most handsome man in the world who tells me he loves me a hundred times a day. I consider myself most lucky.
Chip
So first Queerty publishes endless stories shaming people for having a preferences about who they sleep with instead of everyone regardless of race, disabilities, status of STD but now publishes on how to escape ugly. Seems, at least to Queerty writers as long as you’re fit and attractive people should drop all preferences or comfort and get into bed. But if they are ugly then suddenly being choosy is your right.
For the record I feel preferences is always someone’s right. Not just if they’re ugly.
Also I’m sorry for my many punctuation and grammar issues.
Kangol2
You sound triggered. If your preferences are biases, own them. Also, physical attractiveness is not the same thing as race, disability status, HIV status, etc. One is ini the eye of the beholder, while the others are more immutable, but I’m sure you already grasped that, right?
simulations
What’s with guilting guys who wanna get off? It’s not particularly LGBT affirmative. Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?? I’ve been to a tonne of hookups with guys whose photos were better than the real thing. I still had a good time.
BrandonL1982
I think it’s a bit presumptuous to assume they’re catfishing. Some guys just look better in pics than in person unfortunately. There are also those who look better in person than their pics but many guys won’t go with the “let’s just meet to check each other out phrase”. It’s all a sh*t show! It should be fun and easy but everyone complicated it.
paljim
I once made a date with a guy when staying in a hotel. His pics were impressive but he admitted he’d gained 5-10 pounds as he’d recently quit smoking and had been snacking too much. Based on the pics I though another 5-10 pounds wouldn’t make much of a differnce. Fortunately I told him to meet at the door to the parking lot. When he arrived he was at least 40 pounds heavier that the guy in the pictures (if they were even his photos).
Since having that experience, I insist on meeting in public. It’s far less awkward to walk away if the guy doesn’t look like his pics, seems sketchy in any way or there’s just not enough attraction.
rodzilla
How miffed I get depends entirely on how long I had to drive to get to his place. ( I live in central Massachusetts so there is always some driving involved. ) & I realize the a photo is a 2D representation of a 3D object so it is already somewhat subjective but if I ain’t turned on enough to get it up there is no use trying to fake it right? But I try to be kind in the rare occasion this has happened. I’d rather not tear the guy down as he probably already has low self esteem if he relies on going for “THE MERCY F**K ” to begin with.
gfmsoccer
I’m surprised by many of these comments. You really don’t understand why guys do this? You don’t know much about gay men & their desperation. The vast majority of gay men are lonely, socially inept, and desperate for any kind of human interaction. Not to mention the constant rejection they face daily among other gay men. That’s what drives them to do this. What do they have to lose. They have nothing to begin with. Maybe they’ll get lucky & someone will actually talk to them.
ShowMeGuy
They get to stepping.