Hi Jake,
My sister’s 14-year-old recently came out as non-binary and now goes by they/them pronouns. I respect this, but I have had some trouble making the adjustment. For the most part, I remember to use their correct pronouns, although I have slipped up on occasion. In my defense, this is still new to me and I’m only human!
My “sibkid” (that’s what I call them now instead of “niece”) is pretty relaxed about it and seems to understand that I forget sometimes. (They are SUCH an awesome kid!) My sister, however, is another story.
How about we take this to the next level?
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She gets really upset whenever I mess up, even though I’ve told her it’s genuinely a mistake and I’m not trying to offend anyone. The last time it happened, she made me feel ashamed by saying it’s been six months and I should “know by now.” Then she accused me of not making enough of an effort to be an ally.
Maybe I am being a bad aunt and ally? Or maybe I am being too sensitive? How do I communicate to my sister that I’m trying my best, but I’m also still learning, without making her mad?
Absent-Minded Ally
Dear Absent-Minded Ally,
The fact that you’ve taken to the term “sibkid” says it all!
By doing so, you’re demonstrating that you’re honoring your sister’s child as best as you can, without imposing invalidating gender assumptions onto them (it also didn’t go unnoticed that you used the correct “they/them” pronouns in your email, which again, means you’re really thinking about this and trying).
It’s not easy for anyone to suddenly change how to refer to someone, especially when you’ve spoken about them in a certain way for years. When someone asks to be called a new name, or referred to with new pronouns, it’s going to take time for that new information to become internalized. Like any habit, it takes work to break the old patterns that are ingrained in us, and form new ones.
What’s most important here is your intention. You’re wanting to do right by your sister’s child, and right by your sister, and you’re making efforts to try to change in order to honor their wishes. Mistakes are going to happen, and it’s human to have a few flubs here and there where you fall into old patterns. No one is perfect, and your family should understand that you’re trying your best.
You may have been adjusting to these changes for several months, but there’s no required timeline to adopt a new habit. I encourage you to release the shame you felt when your sister scolded you. Trust that you’re a good person, and there’s no malicious intent here. Your heart is in the right place, and the rest will ultimately follow with a little repetition and practice.
As for how to handle communicating with your sister, I encourage you to be as clear with her as you were with me, even if it means stating your position firmly.
Saying something like, “I’m sorry that it’s taking me a while to break this habit, but I’m really trying, and I need you to be more patient with me,” lets her know that you’re doing your best, but it’s not an overnight process. You’ll want to convey that it’s not okay to reprimand you, or doubt your support, as that feels incongruent with the love and advocacy you do have as an ally. Everyone deserves a little grace.
If she can’t accept that, that’s on her, and it’s not up to you to manage her feelings.
Who knows? It may be that your sister has her own anxieties about the best way to support her child, or is overly fearful that her kid won’t be able to handle invalidation around being misgendered. Maybe deep down, she’s even angry at herself for her own difficulty in coming to terms with all of this, and projecting it onto you. The point is, none of that is your responsibility.
Your family is lucky to have a relative like you who is willing to learn, practice, and work towards being the most supportive family member you can be. Embracing something new or different isn’t easy, and you’re doing a fine job.
If you want to be the best ally for your “sibkid,” you’ll first need to be a kind and accepting ally to yourself. That means communicating your feelings, releasing shame, and cutting yourself some slack… even when your sister can’t.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
