I tried hooking up with a guy to see if I’m gay, but now I regret it. Is it too late for me to be straight?

Dear Jake,

I’m an 18-year old freshman in college, and I’m feeling so confused about my identity.

I’ve always been really close with the guys in my life (even more so than any girls I’ve dated), and I’ve often wondered if maybe I’m more emotionally attracted to men than to women, and if that means I’m gay (although it’s not so much a physical thing for me).

How about we take this to the next level?

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I recently decided to act on my curiosity to see how it felt. I downloaded an app, chatted with a guy in my town who seemed attractive enough, and met up with him. But, as soon as the encounter started, I wanted out.

First off, the guy ended up being someone I knew from high school, and I didn’t realize that until I had gotten into his car. My social anxiety stopped me from leaving, and I couldn’t seem to find the courage to reject him. On top of that, I wasn’t even feeling physically attracted to him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I ended up going through with the hook-up anyway. I was regretting it the whole time.

Now, I feel like he’s going to tell everyone we know that I’m gay, which i don’t even think I am. Is it too late to go back to identifying as straight, after having gay sex? How do I shake this feeling of regret for doing something that will affect how everyone sees me now?

Gay for A Day

Dear Gay for a Day,

I applaud you for having the courage to try something you were curious about in order to learn more about yourself. Sexuality is a complicated issue, and it’s sometimes difficult to know if feelings we have for someone of the same sex are romantic feelings, or simply feelings of closeness and intimacy. Experimenting to figure out how things resonate is exactly what you should be doing.

Obviously, this particular encounter didn’t feel great, but it still gives you some useful information. Either this guy (especially if you knew him from the past) wasn’t “the one” to spark a same sex attraction, or…you’re actually not gay at all.

Ultimately, you’ll want to decide if this one experience gives you enough evidence that you aren’t physically attracted to guys, or if things might have been different with a different person, in a different situation.

If it’s the latter, you might decide to try again at some point in the future, only this time, you’ll want to make sure that you’re feeling 100% comfortable in the situation, including setting strong boundaries when it doesn’t feel right. After all, if guys are really your thing, you should feel excited and aroused, not regretful and averse.

A lot of guys find it difficult to say “no” to someone in a hookup once they meet, and feel pressured to go through with it even when they don’t really want to. However, it’s never too late to honor yourself and your feelings. You can simply say, “You know what, I’m so sorry but I’ve changed my mind, and I’m just not feeling like doing this right now.” Sure, your suitor may be disappointed, but that’s not your problem. Being true to yourself is the most important thing, and as hard as it is, you’ll thank yourself later.

On the other hand, if you’re pretty sure you have no desire to hook up with a guy again, that’s great information to learn about yourself too. It certainly doesn’t mean that you are forever branded “gay” just because you tried one homosexual act. You get to define your sexual orientation for yourself, even if that means you had to test the waters in order to figure out what that is. If other people hear about it and judge, so be it. You define you, not them.

Try to be gentler with yourself for going along with something you realized wasn’t for you. You took a brave step to try something out, and and learned that you probably should have spoken up when you weren’t feeling it. If there happens to be a next time, you’ll be able to recall this experience, and hopefully handle it differently.

Figuring out who we are, and what we like, is a process, and what you identify as today might not even be how you identify tomorrow (by the way, there’s lots of areas in between gay and straight, including bisexual, asexual, and pansexual). But at the end of the day, it’s better to have given it a gay ol’ try, than to have never tried it at all. Otherwise, you might have always wondered.

I encourage you to continue your exploration, in whatever way feels right for you. And no matter how you ultimately decide to identify, if anyone has anything to say about it, you can simply set the record… “straight”.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.