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Dear Jake,
I’m an 18-year old freshman in college, and I’m feeling so confused about my identity.
I’ve always been really close with the guys in my life (even more so than any girls I’ve dated), and I’ve often wondered if maybe I’m more emotionally attracted to men than to women, and if that means I’m gay (although it’s not so much a physical thing for me).
How about we take this to the next level?
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I recently decided to act on my curiosity to see how it felt. I downloaded an app, chatted with a guy in my town who seemed attractive enough, and met up with him. But, as soon as the encounter started, I wanted out.
First off, the guy ended up being someone I knew from high school, and I didn’t realize that until I had gotten into his car. My social anxiety stopped me from leaving, and I couldn’t seem to find the courage to reject him. On top of that, I wasn’t even feeling physically attracted to him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I ended up going through with the hook-up anyway. I was regretting it the whole time.
Now, I feel like he’s going to tell everyone we know that I’m gay, which i don’t even think I am. Is it too late to go back to identifying as straight, after having gay sex? How do I shake this feeling of regret for doing something that will affect how everyone sees me now?
Gay for A Day
Dear Gay for a Day,
I applaud you for having the courage to try something you were curious about in order to learn more about yourself. Sexuality is a complicated issue, and it’s sometimes difficult to know if feelings we have for someone of the same sex are romantic feelings, or simply feelings of closeness and intimacy. Experimenting to figure out how things resonate is exactly what you should be doing.
Obviously, this particular encounter didn’t feel great, but it still gives you some useful information. Either this guy (especially if you knew him from the past) wasn’t “the one” to spark a same sex attraction, or…you’re actually not gay at all.
Ultimately, you’ll want to decide if this one experience gives you enough evidence that you aren’t physically attracted to guys, or if things might have been different with a different person, in a different situation.
If it’s the latter, you might decide to try again at some point in the future, only this time, you’ll want to make sure that you’re feeling 100% comfortable in the situation, including setting strong boundaries when it doesn’t feel right. After all, if guys are really your thing, you should feel excited and aroused, not regretful and averse.
A lot of guys find it difficult to say “no” to someone in a hookup once they meet, and feel pressured to go through with it even when they don’t really want to. However, it’s never too late to honor yourself and your feelings. You can simply say, “You know what, I’m so sorry but I’ve changed my mind, and I’m just not feeling like doing this right now.” Sure, your suitor may be disappointed, but that’s not your problem. Being true to yourself is the most important thing, and as hard as it is, you’ll thank yourself later.
On the other hand, if you’re pretty sure you have no desire to hook up with a guy again, that’s great information to learn about yourself too. It certainly doesn’t mean that you are forever branded “gay” just because you tried one homosexual act. You get to define your sexual orientation for yourself, even if that means you had to test the waters in order to figure out what that is. If other people hear about it and judge, so be it. You define you, not them.
Try to be gentler with yourself for going along with something you realized wasn’t for you. You took a brave step to try something out, and and learned that you probably should have spoken up when you weren’t feeling it. If there happens to be a next time, you’ll be able to recall this experience, and hopefully handle it differently.
Figuring out who we are, and what we like, is a process, and what you identify as today might not even be how you identify tomorrow (by the way, there’s lots of areas in between gay and straight, including bisexual, asexual, and pansexual). But at the end of the day, it’s better to have given it a gay ol’ try, than to have never tried it at all. Otherwise, you might have always wondered.
I encourage you to continue your exploration, in whatever way feels right for you. And no matter how you ultimately decide to identify, if anyone has anything to say about it, you can simply set the record… “straight”.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
Fenwick22
Great advice!
marshal phillips
Once gay, one can’t go back. Be proud and carry on.
Huron132
Perfect answer!
The greatest thing about going to college is the whole idea to experiment. You should experience everything! Once, twice three times,this includes and not just sex but, your education, your independence and finding your purpose in life. Hence the learning curve. You make mistakes so you can learn from them and fine-tune the ways you go about things. Just enjoy yourself and don’t dwell on all things you might think you failed. Get out and have fun and don’t stay in your head.
AndyManX85
For some reason I’m not able to reply to comments but this is in reply to Marshal’s comment:
What an ignorant thing to say. Did you even read the advice Jake gave? Sexuality is a spectrum and sometimes people are only “gay” once (like this guy who wrote to Jake was. Or is, at least so far), occasionally, all the time, and even just for one person in general. For some people it’s about who the person they’re attracted to is, not what their gender is. That’s what people often refer to as “Hearts, not Parts”. Then there are people who are attracted to men and women and they’re bisexual. Just because you think or feel once someone has sex with the same sex that makes them permanently “GAY”, that doesn’t mean it’s true.
inbama
Only your Penile Plethysmograph knows for sure.
DennisMpls
Andy – this is a reply to you, since I also was not able to reply directly to your comment itself. (And I’m on my second try to avoid the dreaded moderation.) Thanks for what you said – now I don’t have to say the same things myself! I’ll just add that it’s also possible for this guy to be essentially asexual. I myself felt very much like he did while I was in college, except that my “affections” for other guys were a bit closer to infatuations than he is implying. Turns out I was on the spectrum between asexual and whatever you’d call the other end of the spectrum, with emotional connections being more important than physical ones. This guy could turn out to be gay, as I am, or straight, or bisexual. And his physical desires could develop later than average.
winemaker
Let me see if I’ve got this right. this young man has feelings he might be gay but isn’t sure. So he downloaded some APP and in turn led him to a guy he went to high school with and hooked up with him despite he wasn’t really attracted to him. What happened to being polite and civil by saying something like “I don’t think I can go through this so thanks but no thanks, exit stage left? And what if the guy blabs all around that you’re gay, big deal. Worrying about what others say and think you about is a waste of valuable time and out of your control and is their issue not yours.
Louis
I think this has been Jake’s best response. Probably ever. Fully agree and applaud it.
barryaksarben
Life is all about change and that means you can start over anytime you want. IF you have decided. you aren’t gay you can go back to being straight. now if the person is harassing. you and threatening to out you just be honest ND LET PEOPLEL KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. or just shrug and say no Im straight and move on. I was a shy lonely kid and. discovered I just wanted a guy friend that I didn’t have in my tiny little rural town. DONT PANIC you aren’t going to be forced to keep doing it based on one time. just start over and be open and honest and try llllto not jump into bed with anyone till you are sure of what you attracted to
Vince
Ah yes. The angst of being young goes on.
Well, at least you were born into a time when you can safely explore through apps like Grindr and educate yourself to it. Back in the 80s and 90s we literally had nothing. I had to go to the effing Library to figure it out and no not the restroom.