I’m a straight woman & I just learned something mind-blowing about my husband at his college reunion

Hi Jake,

32-year-old woman here. I recently accompanied my husband on his 10-year college reunion. It was my first time going to his campus and meeting a lot of his friends, including Charles, the gay guy he shared a dorm with all four years. I’ve heard about Charles over the years, but I had never actually met him until now. Anyway, I was excited to finally put a face to the name, and we immediately hit it off.

The reunion lasted all weekend and involved lots of drinking and socializing. On the last night, Charles and I snuck away from the group for a bit. We were both tipsy when he said something that took me by total surprise. He confessed that he and my husband “used to be in love.”

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When I asked for more details, he wouldn’t elaborate. And when I brought it up to my husband after we got home, he acted like he had no idea what Charles was talking about or why he would say that. But he stopped short of denying anything. “I don’t know why he said that” is different than saying “What he said isn’t true.”

I’ve been swirling ever since. My husband is not gay. I can definitely confirm that. But what if he and Charles did have “a thing” before we met? It doesn’t bother me to think of him experimenting with another man, or even if he might be bisexual, but I hate to think he would keep it a secret from me. Am I overthinking this? How can I get him to tell the truth?

Stunned Spouse

Dear Stunned Spouse,

Hearing a secret about someone close to you, whether it be true or not, can pack quite the punch, and might even feel like a betrayal.

Of course, everyone has a past, and college is a time ripe with experimentation, confused feelings, exploring new identities, and ultimately trying to learn more about ourselves.

If what you heard was true, there’s certainly nothing out of the ordinary about it. Like you said, even if he had feelings for another man at some point, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay.

The bigger issue here is the level of intimacy and transparency between you and your spouse. Regardless of what the full picture is, there seems to be at least something more to this story, and for some reason, your husband doesn’t felt safe enough to share it.

But, as hard as it is to do, try not to take it personally. It actually may have more to do with him than with you. He might have a lot shame about his past relationship (if there was one), due to the amount of homophobia, social pressure, and toxic masculinity he faced in the world as a man in our society.

Of course, you’re still allowed to have all your feelings about it. I’m sure this news felt not only shocking, but created complex emotions. It’ll be important for you to process all of those with a friend or therapist.

As for how to handle things with your husband, while you can’t “make” him tell the full story if he’s not ready, you can certainly come back to the conversation around this and invite more of a discussion (preferably after you’ve worked through some of your initial feelings elsewhere).

The important thing will be to enter the conversation with a gentle, non-judgmental tone, inviting (not demanding or accusing) him to share as much as he’s comfortable when he’s ready. At the end of the day, if there’s any truth to what you were told, it may actually be a relief for him to get a secret like this off his chest.

Reunions can bring up a lot, and, in your case, a major bomb was dropped. While you’ll probably need to deal with the impact eventually, I also wouldn’t fault you if you need some time first to sort through the shrapnel.

As Romy and Michelle famously said after their reunion, “Let’s fold scarves.”

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.