Hi Jake,
Total bottom here and I carry no “bottom shame.” It’s always just been my preference and I don’t give into homophobic notions that there’s something “less than” about being the receptive partner in the bedroom. That said, I came across an article that did make me question something…
The author was saying that if you only have sex from behind (a.k.a. “doggy style”), you’re actually not engaging in “real intimacy” with your partner. They went on to imply that when you’re looking the other direction, you might as well be having sex with “anyone,” and it’s purely about the physical act, and nothing to do with the person who’s giving it to you.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Needless to say, being on all fours happens to be my all-time favorite position, so this has thrown me for a loop. I never really thought I was afraid of intimacy, but am I? Is there something damaged about me for enjoying being taken from behind?
Reflections in the Rear-View
Dear Reflections in the Rear-View,
As the old saying goes, “Don’t believe everything you read.”
While often conflated, sex and intimacy are actually not the same thing. Sex is a physical act for pleasure, and sure, it can be an expression of intimacy, but intimacy itself is a much deeper connection that goes beyond the physical.
The idea that if you’re not facing your partner, you’re somehow avoiding connection and intimacy, is just plain silly, and to be honest, may even be rooted in homophobia or misogyny. You can prefer “doggy style,” but still be highly in tune with your partner, sharing in your deepest pleasures, and expressing your most authentic self. That’s what actually constitutes intimacy… not whether your body positions align with conventional standards.
In fact, you can be having plain ole’ missionary sex, looking your partner right in the eyes, and feel no intimacy in the exchange. If sex is devoid of communication, mutual respect, and emotional bonding, what difference does it make if you’re facing your partner? On the contrary, it’s possible to both be staring at the same wallpaper during sex, and feel more connected than ever before.
The idea that if you can’t see the person behind you during sex, then it means that person could be anyone is a farce. Sure, maybe in some role-play fantasy, you could decide to imagine that Andrew Scott happened to stumble into the wrong hotel room when you were primed and ready, and have his way with you. But chances are, even without seeing your partner, you know who you’re having sex with, and you know how you feel about that person, and whether or not you’re feeling safe, honored, and comfortable in the exchange.
If getting on all fours, or lying on your side, gives you pleasure, so be it! It doesn’t mean you’re damaged. So, the next time you feel your partner working his way towards your backside, allow yourself the freedom to experience that in whatever way feels the best for you, without judging yourself for it.
When it comes to your sexual preferences, keep looking forward, rather than backward… unless of course you enjoy a strategically placed mirror. 🙂
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
barryaksarben
Don’t buy into all the crap. I am in my 70s an d I am and always have been what they call versatile. However both my long term lovers one of whom, I was married to til he passed were both bottoms with the first being gold star bottom. I adored this man, you know who you are George and I gave it anyway I could to him whenever and the position didn’t matter to me but he felt more comfortable missionary. I respected his wishes and he said it was easier and gave him more pleasure and less discomfort than the other positions and we tried them all. there is no shame in what your. prefer for whatever reason you prefer it. Intimay goes both ways and isnt exclusive to the sex act. foreplay and after play can be the most intimate parts of the entire episode. Remember that without a bottom there are no tops. We made love the minute we were alone, undressing, approaching each other the first touch the first kiss all of it is intimate. WAY TOOO much internalized homophobia pushed by homophobes who all aren’t just straight. I love to bottom and love all the positions but if the person isnt INTO m it isnt intimate it is just the act and you know there is nothing wrong with that either. Just know the difference and be sure what you are looking for in the whole endeavor
SparkyMICH
Some people cannot be on their back for intercourse due to physical limitations, and laying on their stomach or being on their hands and knees is the only comfortable position. AND, the act of intercourse is not the only opportunity to be intimate with a partner, nor does intimacy require the act of intercourse.