I’m turning 50 & I’m curious about being with a woman for the first time. Am I having a mid-life crisis?

Hi Jake,

I’m about to turn 50 and have started taking stock of my life. One thing that’s coming up is that I’ve been out and proud my whole life (I’m actually one of those “gold-star gays”), and even though I’ve tried lots of wild and crazy things in the bedroom over the years, I’ve never actually been with a woman.

I know it sounds crazy, but I think I’m more curious and open to bisexuality that than I ever realized. I casually mentioned it to my husband, since we have an open relationship, but he immediately shut down any idea of bringing a woman into the bedroom. It’s totally not his thing, and I get that.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Am I having some sort of mid-life crisis? Will these thoughts and feelings pass? Or was I simply brainwashed into thinking I was gay my whole life, when I’m actually more fluid?

Wishing on a (Gold) Star,

Dear Wishing on a (Gold) Star,

It’s never a bad time to do a little “life review”, whether you’re turning 40, 50,… or it’s just a random Friday. Contemplating on your journey thus far can help you bring awareness not only to the many experiences you’ve had in life, so you can integrate them in a meaningful way, but also shine a light on things you still want to do while you have the chance. In your case, it sounds like you’ve lived your “best gay life,” but perhaps, there’s still another chapter in your story.

Sexuality is on a spectrum, so the idea that someone is 100% gay isn’t always accurate. Odds are that even if you’re pretty homosexual, you might not fall all the way on the far end of the scale (a “Kinsey 6”, if we reference the famous researcher’s tool to measure human sexual orientation), leaving some room for curiosity.

Feelings are there for a reason, often to tell us something about ourselves, and if you’re having thoughts and desires about being with a woman, perhaps it’s only fair to at least hear them out, regardless of whether you act on them or not. Questioning your choices doesn’t have to be a “midlife crisis,” but instead can be a chance to acknowledge things about yourself you might not have before.

As hard as it is to break out of societal expectations, even within the gay community, I encourage you to always track what feels the most authentic for you, and give those feelings some space. As humans, we’re constantly changing and evolving, and, yes, that includes what we like in the bedroom, too.

Rather than doubting your feelings, or judging them, I would take some time to explore them with a gentle curiosity. When it comes to anything regarding sexual orientation, there’s no room for shame. Investigating your attraction could look a few different ways, including talking it through with a friend or therapist, engaging in imagination or fantasy, or even physically engaging with a woman to see how it feels.

Obviously, if you take the latter route, you’d want to discuss this with your husband, since it sounds like he has no interest in going on this particular journey with you. That said, perhaps he’d support you in being true to yourself, even from afar.

As you approach the half-century mark, it’s brave to acknowledge the parts of yourself that have either been buried, or are just now beginning to surface. Pushing your feelings or desires down doesn’t make them go away, so it’s important to give them some space. Sometimes, even simply acknowledging them is enough, and it’s not even about acting on them.

So, for your 50th birthday, give yourself the gift of discovery, in whatever way that looks for you. Sure, the verdict may be out on your “gold star” status… but the road ahead may be just as shiny.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.

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