Hi Jake,
My husband and I opened up our relationship about five months ago. It’s brand new territory for me, so I’m still figuring some things out. Here’s my question… If I’m out and about and looking for a hookup, should I take off my wedding ring? It seems like it could be a deterrent for some guys. On the other hand, if I take it off, it feels like I’m hiding something, or even disrespecting my husband somehow. How should I handle this?
Ring-ing the Alarm
How about we take this to the next level?
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Dear Ring-ing the Alarm,
Having a loving marriage, but still hooking up with other people on occasion, might sound strange to some (read: heteros), but for many gay couples, it’s perfectly normal.
Usually, when you see a straight person wearing a wedding ring, it’s assumed they’re off limits, especially in the bedroom. But in a gay relationship, there’s often more flexibility, and demonstrating a strong commitment to another person might have nothing to do with how a couple gets their needs met sexually.
Sure, wearing a band on your ring finger at a gay resort, queer event, or even at the gym might signify, “I’m not open for dating or a romantic relationship,” but it certainly doesn’t always say, “I’m not open for some sexy time.”
If couples are open and honest with each other, and in full agreement about the rules of their relationship, then there’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s perfectly okay to keep your ring on while hitting on another guy at a party.
That said, if you really feel it’s a hindrance (which it shouldn’t be if someone’s looking to just hookup, and not necessarily looking for a boyfriend or romance), it’s your right to take the ring off, but I might suggest talking to your husband about that first. If you’re doing it secretly, you may have some guilty feelings about it, or feel like you’re hiding something. Being inauthentic never feels good.
As queer people, we get to define what marriage means to us, just as we get to determine the significance of our traditions, including wearing a ring. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide when to take yours off, but I’d suggest presenting yourself as authentically as you can. If you mislead someone who was interested in more than just sex, that might end up being a problem.
Being real about who you are…now that just rings true.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
BEPVA
Some guys enjoy having sex w/ married men – it’s a “breaking taboo” or “cuckolding” thing.
Try leaving your ring on and seeing what happens.
tennman
You are in a marriage or you are not. “Open Relationships” are what give gay people a bad name when it comes to marriage equality.
Marriage is about commitment. If you are not committed then you should divorce.
Just a matter of time until someone comes a long that one of you likes better than your husband.
inbama
Taking the ring off isn’t being honest with your hook-up, and that’s no less important than being honest with your partner.
ghs8956
I’m an old fart but. An open marriage is not a marriage to me. What is wrong with your husband that you have to look else were. If your still looking about your not married. Are you about looking for sex out of the marriage? If so what the hell did you get married for? Sorry like I Saia I’m just an old fart.
Matthew
Leave The Ring On Be Honest to Yourself and Your Hook up
Matthew
So Not True 26 Years and Still Happilly Together and Hooking Up With Others
Bi-Coastal Guy
Having fought so many years for marriage equality it strikes me as being more than a little disingenuous to be trying to justify “open relationships” What was all the effort for? Can’t help but think of the very old phrase about wanting your cake and eating it too. Heteros are so quick to accuse and judge us for our interpersonal actions that this kind of activity just bolsters their claims. Why give them the ammunition? Marriage is worth more than a declaration of love and commitment if the intention behind it is to simply continue to play the field after the ceremony and exchange of rings.
belikewater
Clearly Jake needs to learn to use I statement as not speak for gays, not every gay couple is ok with this. If you want an open relationship there was no need to put a ring on it. If that was the case just be boyfriend’s, it’s said to see marriage being turned into as a joke. If you now chose to be open marriage do called. Then be honest about your self and make it clear the rules of this now open marriage, but be ready for the down parts as well. Not everyone is ok whether gay or straight. You need to understand things change with this.
winemaker
Why get together with somebody, make a commitment to them and then want a so called ‘open relationship or open marriage’ to basically screw others without guilt? Why are you wasting time and emotions on this BULLS**T that ignores the issues that make you want to see and boink other guys and that ultimately will destroy your relationship (if you call this arrangement a realtionship or God forbid marriage) and in the end you might lose the best thing that ever happened to you and you end up all alone? Really if you still want to play the field, stay single and after you get this out of your system settle down to one person. Yes relationships take lots of work but this’s something adults do. And what about the men you bring into this, what if they get feelings for you, what about them? Have you considered their feelings or they’re just a piece of meat to play around with and when you get tired of them dump them without so much as why? Gay men seem to be inconsiderate, immature and flip as it’s all about me and screw everyone else. These are serious issues that come up and it isn’t fair to either party. Bottom line: if you’re in a commited realtionship or married you made a comittment to tyour partner, plain and simple. Really grow up and become an adult. this is something high school kids do to play the field and test things out. Sometimes you don’t know a good thing until you lose it and a good realtionship can be priceless and the best thing that ever happened to you. Be wise!
1967Man
Your marriage is none of my business. And my marriage is none of your business. You do you, and I’ll do me.
still_onthemark
Back when sitcoms were more popular, everyone knew you should never take off your wedding ring because it will always get lost and everyone will find it hilarious EXCEPT the spouse. Hijinks ensue.
Bosch
Wow so much complaining! If you think straight people don’t have open marriages, you’re in for a surprise…
Consider This
Perhaps “it feels like I’m hiding something, or even disrespecting my husband somehow” because you most probably are – on both counts.
Open relationships may better lend themselves to roommate situations than the so-called “marriage” they have.
GayEGO
It is not wrong to wear your ring whenever you want to. I was married 15 years, we were together 57 years. I had someone tell me that her church did not recognize my marriage. I said – You have to get a Civil Marriage License, not a religious one. Call it a Civil marriage.
1967Man
To everyone who has written “open marriages are not marriages,” please take your heteronormative judgment elsewhere. You don’t get to define marriage for me, just like I don’t get to define it for you. You make of your marriage what you want, and I’ll make of my marriage what I want. Mostly, you should mind your own business and remember that people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
startenout
Why do so many gay men (or pretending to be gay men) feel that it is our job to justify the right we have to marry? Like “behaving” will make bigots respect you more? Like living up to a heteronormative standard that they don’t even actually live up to behind closed doors will have them think you’re “one of the good ones?”
Speaking of that, none of these “gay men” are out here questioning the sanctity of heterosexual marriages with their history of adultery, divorce, swingers, and more. Stop pretending to be an advocate for gay men when you try to drag people back into your closet.
As for the question, y’all do what works for you, but from what I’ve seen, an open marriage only actually works when you set clear rules about what makes you both comfortable.
draperdude1
Taking off your wedding ring for a hook-up is a respectful thing to do for your casual partners. NSA sex is just about being in the moment. No one wants to be with somebody that has hangups or duties to another person. I am currently married and when I run into past hook-ups or boyfriends, they avoid me because I am married now. You should be able to lose yourself in a sexual encounter without any entanglements. Wearing a wedding ring shows you’re not fully committed to a sexual experience.
yup5hioop
if anybody is turned off maybe they think you are straight and we already get enough hate for “breaking apart society” blah blah blah – just bring the hubby along lots of guys like couples