Hi Jake,
My husband and I are having a baby soon through IVF, and for the most part, everyone has been supportive. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, my mother-in-law regurgitated some right-wing meme on Facebook with a bunch of bizarre idioms about how the world used to be (which was apparently better?) vs. how it is now.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Within that, one of the lines was, “We’d never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars. And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.”
Grown in jars??? It seems she’s referring to IVF, which is undermining her very own GRANDKID she’s about to have, basically saying they are illegitimate. I’m so disgusted, and even though the baby isn’t born yet, the “dad” in me is feeling very protective.
I screamed at my husband and told him his mother isn’t allowed to see our new baby when they are born. Normally, I would just block someone on social media who was spreading such absurd views, but she’s immediate family. What should I do??
Papa Bear
Dear Papa Bear,
Congrats on your upcoming gay-by!
What you saw from your mother-in-law, intended or not, is a textbook “micro-aggression”, although it’s not even that “micro” to be honest. Unfortunately, Facebook has become a place where a lot of people share uninformed or biased nonsense. And it often feels even worse in an election year.
I’m sure you’re extremely excited about adding to your family and sharing that joy with everyone in your life, including other family members. So, of course, seeing something so invalidating about your future child would provoke an emotional response.
Implying that IVF is somehow unnatural or “not in God’s will” is one of those right-wing talking points meant to create division. Similar to abortion, it’s a hot-button issue rooted in religious ideology. But I’ve observed that most people who are against it usually don’t even know why they’re against it. They’re just repeating what is fed to them from conservative circles and, yes, social media.
In order to help someone understand why the things they say are hurtful or inaccurate, it’s usually best to approach them with a curious and compassionate tone, rather than a combative or confrontational one, so they don’t become defensive or dig in further.
What I might suggest is for you and your husband to sit down with your mother-in-law and ask her about the post to learn how much she actually understands. There’s a chance that she didn’t even realize the meaning of it, and what it’s saying about her own family.
It’s unfortunately all too common where people repost things without really considering what impact it might have on others, including their loved ones.
You’ll also want to explain how what she’s perpetuating is not okay, accurate, or compassionate and that you hope she does better after your new baby arrives.
Ideally, if approached with love, she’ll take it as an opportunity to learn. If she responds less than favorably, you may need to set some boundaries to protect your growing family, including creating some distance, if necessary.
I’d like to have hope that there’s still a possibility of having productive discussions around politics, and that people will choose family over party (or at least over spewing unhelpful rhetoric). A healthy discourse can enlighten everyone… I mean, aren’t you wondering what’s so bad about microwaves and car phones, too?
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
Seth
No. Walk her to the door and close it firmly behind her. Enough with this coddling grown adults who incessantly choose cruelty and then feign ignorance.
powersthatbe
Whenever we get frustrated, it’s so much harder to see it as a teaching moment. An opportunity to help people learn and grow.
GayEGO
It is such a shame that some religions have messed up the minds of so many people i.e. Project 2025!
SethEd
I am Catholic and gay, and I can tell you why IVF is immoral, but I would not tell you unless you asked me. I would keep it to myself.
I suspect when your mother-in-law sees her new grandchild, she will fall in love with him regardless of the IVF. You cannot close the door on her unless she is actively cruel to the child, and I bet she’ll spoil him rotten, a grandmother’s prerogative.
Rustie
I would continue a civil relationship, but I would respect her wishes and exclude her from everything involving the new baby. If she asks, let her know that once she expressed her views, you did not want to offend her delicate sensibilities by rubbing your ‘fresh from the jar” baby in her face. When you have one “the old fashioned way” you should definitely include her…. Her comment was indeed hurtful, and she is responsible for the emotional fallout she herself caused.
Invader7
I’d block her online and in person. NO seeing the grandkid she thinks is “unnatural” ! She KNOWS exactly what she posted.
Cam
Why would he scream at his husband?
1967Man
The easy road is to react quickly and decisively. The hard road is to react slowly, taking the time to determine whether it was simply a thoughtless re-post or truly heartfelt. In my life, I take the hard road, and I offer forgiveness and grace, because I know I need both from others.
Kangol2
Cut her loose. Immediately.
radiooutmike
Get rid of the MIL.
Even if she warms up to the kid and apologizes to you; she will have other problematic takes on parenting.