For generations of gay men, the hanky code served as a subtle way to signal their sexual interests and desires. And in the age of the hookup app, the code applies to language as well.

What’s in a greeting? As it turns out, a whole lot!

On social media, gays are debating whether tops and bottoms should reserve certain salutations for one another. One person said a bottom approached him with “hey cutie,” which sends a mixed message.

“a bottom just said ‘hey cutie’ to me which is pretty f*cked up because im supposed to say that, theyre supposed to say ‘hi handsome,'” he posted.

Though he says the observation was meant to be satirical, there is truth behind every joke! As gay people, we have a different way of speaking, okurrr? There is a long and proud history of gay-specific slang, which often speaks to specific acts or roles in the bedroom.

“Can’t host? HMU later. I’m just looking for NSA fun, anyway… as long as you’re not DL. NPNC!”

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Before we go further, we must acknowledge the toxic undertones of stuffing gay people into preassigned roles. The terms “cutie” and “handsome” imply a power imbalance, and play into the notion that bottoms are more dainty and feminine, while tops are masculine and strong.

But this is hookup culture we’re talking about. Sometimes the role play is the point…

While bottoms are sometimes expected to behave in a particular fashion, tops are too. Several months back, there was a spirited debate on Gay X Twitter about whether tops can listen to pop music… Selena Gomez in particular.

“Ok you have dom top in your name but I could hear Selena Gomez blasting through your beats,” said the apparent Grindr user in question.

On Reddit recently, there was also robust conversation about whether tops can play with Barbie dolls.

As gay culture evolves, there is a cheeky element to all position-related discourse. There was a time when bottoms were truly derided as effeminate and shamed. But thankfully, that’s changed. The advent of HIV prevention drugs like PrEP and greater awareness of sexual health are erasing stereotypes, and men are much more likely to publicly proclaim their bottom status.

The proof can be seen in the popularity of the jockstrap. Previously associated with bottoming, the butt-showing accessory is now ubiquitous.

There is also a specific bottom culture, full of rules about diet and preparation… and words!

Before you call a man “cute” or “handsome,” think about what it may entail.

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