Hi Jake,
It’s the dog days of summer and all my friends seem to be out having the time of their lives. My Instagram and TikTok feeds have been flooded with pics and videos of everyone on their sunny vacations, lounging at the beach, having barbecues, going to outdoor concerts, etc., etc., etc.
I can’t help but feel like my life is boring and lonely compared to all of them. I feel like I’m supposed to be living it up, like the rest of the happy homos. Now, Labor Day Weekend is basically here and I know I’m going to feel even worse, since I don’t have any fun plans.
How about we take this to the next level?
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In a season when gays are supposed to thrive, why am I having a Sad Gay Boy Summer?
Summer Eclipsed
Dear Summer Eclipsed,
If you want to guarantee a case of FOMO, spend a little time on on social media!
No matter what time of year it is, we can’t always feel jubilant and celebratory… even when it seems like the rest of the world is. For many, summer isn’t all Speedos and sunshine, and the struggles we face in December don’t always disappear at the summer solstice. Sure, you may know some gays on a luxury cruise to Barcelona, but you’re probably not seeing the ones at home feeling sad, lonely, or bored.
Studies have shown time and time again that apps like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok have a lot of negatives when it comes to mental health, including creating feelings of inadequacy about your life or appearance, isolation, depression, and anxiety.
Social media is like a “best of” highlight reel of someone’s life, only showing the exciting things: a magical trip, an awesome concert, a party full of smiling people… or curated selfies that give the illusion of perfectly sculpted abs.
What you’re not seeing is everything else, which isn’t nearly as sexy or shareable. So, if you’re putting pressure on yourself to measure up to some “standard” about what it means to be queer, that’s risky, considering it’s often an illusion.
Instead of reveling in compare and despair, it might be time to take a hiatus from the socials, and focus instead on taking care of yourself. Even if you’re still pretty high-functioning and not fully depressed, more people than you realize feel an low-grade sense of malaise that can literally last for years.
Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), also known as dysthymia, is a chronic form of depression that might be less intense than it’s bigger sister, but can still weigh heavily on us. Sadly, LGBTQ+ individuals are more likely (1.5 to 3 times, in fact) to experience depressive disorders compared to the general population, due to the effects of things like stigma and internalized homophobia we’ve previously internalized.
Luckily, there’s help out there, and ways to navigate it. Rather than seeing if your life seems better or worse than your friends, ask yourself what you can do for yourself today to make you feel more at ease.
Is there a friend you can call and chat with? Do you need a day to simply relax and get a massage? Or, maybe you can finally reach out to that therapist you’ve been meaning to contact?
Activities like building a support network, healthy lifestyle choices, and maybe even a mindfulness practice, such as meditation, can be useful. It some cases, medication might be warranted.
As Lana Del Rey knows all too well, summertime sadness is a thing. So don’t beat yourself up for it! This is a normal feeling in the human experience, and it’s important not to judge ourselves for it. Instead, try to prioritize self-care over screen-time.
Just like the seasons, everything changes, and with the right help, your feelings can too. If you shift your focus, you may just be headed for Feel-Good Fall.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
Pietro D
WOW!