My new BF has a reputation for a doing a certain, ahem, something in bed, but he won’t do it with me! What gives?

Hi Jake,

I just started dating a new guy, and apparently he has a “reputation.” It turns out that about four of my friends have slept with him over the years, and one even said he’s known around town as “the bottom we’ve all had.”

It doesn’t bother me that much that he’s been with a lot of guys. I mean, I have too! What bothers me is that he hasn’t wanted to bottom for me–not even once!–since we started dating, and I find that very strange considering what I know about him.

How about we take this to the next level?

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I’ve made quite a few innuendos and suggestions about it, but he seems to ignore or dismiss them. Should I be offended that he bottoms for others, but won’t share that side of himself with me? It makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me that he doesn’t have interest.

The Top We’ve All Had

Dear The Top We’ve All Had,

I can understand having some feelings about the fact that “the bottom we’ve all had” feels more like “the bottom you can’t have”!

If you happen to know your man has shared himself in certain ways with others, but isn’t doing that with you, it can feel like he’s withholding a part of himself. When there’s a feeling of denying or holding back in a relationship, it can feel hurtful, because you might assume your partner is choosing to close off a part of himself from you.

Surprisingly, however, if he’s choosing something different with you, his boyfriend, as compared to random hook-ups in the past, it might actually be a compliment.

Hear me out…

For a lot of guys, it’s a lot easier to have sex with someone anonymously, when there’s little to lose, as compared to having sex with someone you actually have feelings for. That’s because, when you like the person, there’s more invested, so there’s a lot more to lose. It’s actually much more intimate to be vulnerable in that situation, even though you might think it’s the other way around.

In your boyfriend’s case, it might be that bottoming feels easy with one-night-stands or random hook-ups, because it’s simply a physical exchange for pleasure, rather than about sharing intimately with someone. But with you, he may be more self-conscious, or even scared, because it means more.

Of course, all of this is theory. What I might suggest is that you practice intimacy in another way first: by communicating.

I probably wouldn’t suggest mentioning his past, or sharing what you’ve heard with him as of yet, as that might make him feel shame or embarrassment. Instead, consider having a talk with him about your sex-life, and check in with each other on where you’re at, and if your needs are being met.

It’s important to do that around all topics in a relationship, including sex. In that conversation, you could mention that you’ve been thinking about doing even more with him (such as topping him), and ask him how he feels about that. His response should give you a lot more information. And you’ll probably feel better afterwards because you won’t be holding onto anymore uncomfortable feelings.

Bottoming is one thing, but bottoming with someone you have strong feelings for is a whole different ball game. So, before you jump to any conclusions, make sure to find out what’s going on.

Of course, that doesn’t mean there’s anything at all wrong with having a whole lot of fun with a whole lot of guys. But if it turns out you’re the guy who makes your man feel differently about sex, doesn’t that say something pretty special about you?

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.

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