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If you are single and have never been married, the closer you get to 50, the more likely you are to remain that way.
That isn’t a prediction, just a probability. However, this shocking data point is based on research commissioned by SAGE, the advocacy organization for LGBTQ+ elders.
Moreover, if that doesn’t hit you in the gut, a 2023 Pew Research Center study points out that roughly 62% of adult gay men of any age identify as single.
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Fifty-five-year-old Satchel B. Greece is among the 62% of gay men included in the study. He confirms that he’s been in relationships but that they have tended not to last.
“Do I long for partnership? Do I long for someone to be here to hold me and offer me that companionship? Most definitely, I do,” he says.
The notion of being single for a lifetime brought mixed emotions from community members interacting with the @nativesonnow Instagram post on the subject. Reactions, totaling close to 400 comments, varied widely. For instance, Darian Aaron (@darianoutloud) posted that, “I want Black queer men to free themselves from the trappings of heteronormativity. What makes you think the heterosexual relationship model will work for us when it has failed them repeatedly.”
There is truth in Aaron’s view. Statistics from a 2022 Williams Institute study found that annual divorce rates for same-sex couples are 1.1% compared to 2.9% for opposite-sex couples.
Being single for a lifetime struck a nerve. The prospect of not finding a significant other sparked debate within the Native Son community. While many wondered if they would be among those who never found permanent partnership, others contemplated what that meant for care into their golden years.
“As humans age, we crave companionship and community because we are social creatures. You’re also not going to be sexy and healthy indefinitely, and you want people to care for you and friends/loved ones to be there for each other out of love when you need it,” Ricky Day (@rickyday) commented.
It’s longstanding practice for people who identify as LGBTQ+ to foster community and to select a chosen family to support them. However, some aspects of getting older in this model could be challenging.
For instance, LGBTQ+ people face unique challenges the older they get, and according to SAGE, community members are four times less likely to have children than their straight counterparts. This could limit the chance of having biological family members as caretakers.
SAGE also raised questions about eldercare, affordable access to housing, and being financially secure as LGBTQ+ people age.
Gregory (@mrtannis) wrote on IG, “I’ll be honest. From a financial and retirement perspective, I’m planning for it, but as for the other stuff, I honestly don’t know what to do because no amount of money will curb loneliness and companionship.”
For those who live in urban areas, groups like SAGE and San Francisco’s Open House feature programs offering supportive companionship to queer elders. Outside of urban areas, the situation can be more difficult.
Not everyone saw doom and gloom. William Bryant Miles (@rhinestonestair) asked, “Why is growing old, single, and living alone automatically viewed as a sad or bad thing? The real question is, are these people happy, and is this what they wanted for themselves?”
The dating game
Lamont White, who professionally coaches and matches gay singles, says everyone shouldn’t be eager to jump into a relationship.
“Embrace being single, embrace dating or hooking up, and if people choose to embrace getting married, that’s a bonus,” he says.
White, who also stars in the Bravo reality series Love Match Atlanta, is happily married and uses his relationship as an example to the clients of what is possible. Since marriage equality became the law of the land nine years ago, there has been a dramatic increase in same-sex couples seeking matrimony.
In the 2020 census report, same-sex couple households exceeded one million.
The dating coach also uses his platform to encourage singles to mix it up. White curates “Shoot Your Shot Wednesday,” where people in his IG Live (@thegaydatingcoach) are invited to shoot their shot for a date..
White, who has been an expert in the space for more than a decade, says the way to approach dating and leave the single life behind hinges on fully understanding one question: “Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship,” he says. “Understanding the why behind wanting to be involved with someone else helps you to navigate the dating pool and weed out those who may not align with those views.”
Since same-sex marriage has become legal in the United States, the pool of singles only has become more extensive. According to a recent Gallup poll, 7.6% percent of adults in the country now identify as queer–some sexual orientation besides heterosexual.
Single in community
In a world where societal norms elevate relationships, being single offers a unique opportunity for self-discovery, independence, and personal growth. It allows for the freedom to explore your own identity and passions. It can be a time focused on building a strong sense of self while pursuing goal with undivided focus. It’s possible that what might happen during this period of self-discovery is an awakening of your true values, ultimately building a foundation for future relationships or a happy single future.
If the study has any good news, it is that single people shouldn’t beat themselves up over not having a partner. That brings me back to Satchel B. Greece. Although he hasn’t found the love of his life, has built a community of people who he can rely on when he needs companionship.
“I love me, and I love the man I have become and the community that I have built, and for now, that is what I choose to dwell on and not the fact that I’m romantically single,” he says.
Jim
OMG. Being single is NOT a bad thing.
IT’s much better than being in a bad relationship.
dallastex
I’ve been with my partner since my early 30’s, over 24 years. However, if we separated today, I’m more than happy to be single for the rest of my life. Looking at what’s out here these days….single seems like a very peaceful way to be.
Man About Town
Uh, Kelsey? How exactly does this data qualify as “shocking” and why should it hit me “in the gut”?
This information may be interesting and up for a lively discussion but it certainly isn’t new.
tomtedbear
My last couple of relationships have been disasters. While I’d love the companionship and togetherness of a loving relationship, I’d rather be single than unhappy like where I was!
Huron132
I am my most happiest ever since I became single. I didn’t learn the last time and have corrected my mistakes. My last relationship was a disaster HORRIBLE! but, now I’m so beyond happy. 5 years and loving it!