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it's a (thirst) trap!

Shirtless: A Star Wars Story—10 times gay fans were definitely swayed over to the Dark Side

By David Opie July 16, 2024 at 8:00am
Image Credits: LucasFilm / Disney

For anyone who’s yet to watch The Acolyte, the first thing you need to know is that The Thirst is strong with this one. Between Charlie Barnett’s abs and Manny Jacinto’s… well, everything, it’s very hard to concentrate on what’s actually happening in the story. There are some twins who are sort of into Jedi stuff and some bad*ss lesbian space witches pop up at one point, but beyond that, it’s impossible to know what’s really going on.   

But The Acolyte isn’t the only Star Wars story that’s got us crying, “It’s a (thirst) trap!”

Underneath all those stuffy monk-like robes, most Jedi are packing something far more impressive than any mere lightsaber. It’s rare to see, of course—although Osha (Amandla Stenberg) sure got an eyeful of Qimir’s (Jacinto) secret weapon in episode six of The Acolyte—but if you look a little further beyond The Handsome Menace, you’ll see that the rest of this galaxy far, far away is actually far, far hornier than you might realize. It doesn’t get much more phallic than a large, glowing, pulsating sword, after all.

To celebrate Manny Jacinto becoming the internet’s new boyfriend (is Twitter back to being The Good Place at last?), Queerty is here to share proof that Star Wars is indeed a lustful Sarlacc cesspit, and has been for decades.

But before you start, just know that Pedro “Daddy” Pascal has a Mandalorian code to abide by, so that armor isn’t coming off anytime soon. This is not the way, as much as you might want otherwise, so turn back now if you’re only here for him.

These aren’t the guns you’re looking for…

Image Credit: ‘The Acolyte,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Even before we discovered Qimir was secretly a villainous Jedi, Manny Jacinto’s cheekbones were already sharper than any mere lightsaber. And when that reveal did come, Qimir unleashed two secret weapons, his biceps, which it turns out were strong enough to slaughter Jedi and break the internet in one fell swoop. 

Yet none of that could have quite prepared us for the moment when Qimir emerged naked from the water one episode later, a living, breathing Michelangelo painting. Like Osha, our eyes couldn’t help but take in every curve, every drop of water that clung to the Sith’s impossibly chiseled chest. Never have we ever felt so thirsty by the sea.

The rise of Ben Swolo

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Anyone who watched Girls back in the day knew that Adam Driver always had the goods, but it wasn’t until Kylo Ren disrobed in The Last Jedi that everyone else got to see it, too. Wider than the Death Star and just as lethal, Adam Driver’s bare, broad chest changed lives—and we’re not just talking about Rey’s. The debut of “Ben Swolo,” as the internet dubbed him, led to The Rise Of Skywalker and the rise of something else too in a galaxy much closer to home.

Bacta thirsting again

Image Credit: ‘The Book Of Boba Fett,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Who knew The Book Of Boba Fett could be so smutty? When Temuera Morrison bathed shirtless in the bacta tank, Daddy Boba wasn’t the only one healed and replenished by the end. If only the rest of the show had left us feeling that good!

We’re Cassian feelings for Andor

Image Credit: ‘Andor,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Andor, a.k.a. the “serious” Star Wars show, still included a shirtless scene with Diego Luna—because not doing that would have been a crime in any galaxy. Bonus points for making Cassian stretch up to put a box away. Would love to lend him an ‘and or something else, if you catch our drift… 

I am your father daddy

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars: Attack of The Clones,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Out of context, you might be wondering what’s woken Anakin Skywalker up from his sleep, shirtless and sweaty. Is it fear of the monstrous villain he will become? Is it fear of the reviews Revenge Of The Sith will receive? Or is that just what life is like when you’re as hot as Hayden Christensen? Do you wake up every night overcome by your hotness? Is it even possible to wear a shirt or would you just dehydrate from the endless sweating each night? Queerty here with the important questions. 

Built like a brick Hutt

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Ok, Jabba the Hutt isn’t for everyone. We get it. But there’s something rather sexy about a space slug who just lets it all hang loose like every day is Brat Summer. And have you seen the size of that tongue? Don’t mind us. We’re just off shopping for a new gold bikini to try on for size.

I find your lack of wrinkles disturbing

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars Jedi: Survivor,’ Electronic Arts

You wouldn’t know it from looking at him, but Cody Fern’s Dagan Gera—from the 2023 Star Wars video game Jedi: Survivor—is over two hundred years old. Yes, drop the skincare routine honey—but also, can we talk about how well he’s maintained those abs over two whole centuries? Really gives a whole new meaning to the phrase GILF! Or should we say GGGGILF? 

Getting steamy with Yord

Image Credit: ‘The Acolyte,’ LucasFilm / Disney

As card-carrying members of the “Yord Horde,” leaving Charlie Barnett out of this list would have been a punishable offense, but it’s not like we needed much persuading. It’s fitting that a character so obsessed with perfection—someone who would even steam his Jedi robes before a mission—would look so perfect himself. we never wanted to be an intergalactic steamer so bad.

Get porked

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi,’ LucasFilm / Disney

Star Wars appeals to all kinds of people from all walks of life, so it’s only fitting that there be intergalactic thirst traps for everyone, too. Because, yes, the abs are bountiful and the pecs are giving, but what about the gays who enjoy a bit of pig play? No, literally though! That’s where the Gamorreans come in. These green-skinned, pot-bellied “pigs” (derogatory) hang out in Jabba the Hutt’s palace a lot, so you just know they’ve seen some stuff. 

Literally serving though

Image Credit: ‘The Book Of Boba Fett,’ LucasFilm / Disney

The Book Of Boba Fett was supposed to be the titular bounty hunter’s time to shine. But when he and Fennec Shand (Ming-Na Wen) arrived at Garsa Fwip’s Sanctuary in the premiere, we only had eyes for the Twi’lek server who cleaned and shined up their helmets instead. Actor Marlon Aquino doesn’t have a lot to do in the role other than be hot and green and shirtless, but “Unidentified Twi’lek male server,” you will always be in our hearts regardless.

Bonus pick: Dairy queen

Image Credit: ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi,’ LucasFilm / Disney

How could we pick out all the hottest chest action from Star Wars without giving a shout out to Luke Skywalker’s milking habits on Ahch-To? Whatever you do, don’t google it though. Because remember; if something exists, there will be a p*rn version of it. Now do with that information what you will.

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3 Comments*

  • Charlie in Charge

    Kudos to whomever came up with the “It’s a Thirst Trap” subhead.

    It’s very telling that of the ten listed here only one of them predates 2017. Here’s to a future with stunning leading men in a galaxy far, far away.

  • Kangol2

    Temuera Morrison was incredible
    in Once Were Warriors. A+ film.

  • Diplomat

    David Opie,

    You write like the Mona Lisa smiles.

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