My name is Jeremy, and I’m a… Well, I’m not exactly a “top,” although if things go there, that’s where you’ll find me. And I’m not a “bottom,” but only because the one time I tried, when I was 22, it hurt so bad that I swore, “Never again!”
A higher threshold for pain might make me “versatile,” but frankly, if I could get away with it, I’d spend most of the rest of my sex life just making out and cuddling. Maybe it’s my aging libido or my rising frustration when a perfectly enjoyable kissing session is cut short by an overzealous guy reaching for my crotch.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy getting busy in the nude, but as ’90s pop and R&B superstar Monica once sang: “I want to get down, but not the first night.” And then, can we get a little more foreplay up in here and not immediately reach for the condoms?
Or leave them out completely. I’m not promoting unsafe sex. I’m just saying that sex without penetration can rock just as hard. I prefer it, but based on evidence I’ve collected in bed over the years, I’m in the minority.
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Related: “B*tch, I’m A Condom” Madonna Parody Wants You To Practice Safe Sex
Unfortunately, that particular predilection often dims future prospects with guys who leave my bed smiling on the outside but disappointed on the inside–or ones who lose interest the moment I own it. I could swear some of them are thinking, If you’re not going to top me or bottom for me, you’re nothing.
“So what else is there to do then?”
That’s what Paul asked when I told him I’m just not that into anal sex–particularly when it’s compulsory endgame. He was looking at me like I was damaged goods, although I’d just spent the last half hour topping him for the first time, at his insistence and much to his apparent pleasure.
We’d done so much more that night and every night since we’d met several days earlier at a beach bar in Rio. Now he was saying that getting topped was the only part of it that really mattered.
I’ve had awkward moments with tops, too. Some have tried to pressure me into letting them in, much like the one who convinced me to when I was 22. Years later, I had a fantastic time in bed with a self-described top I met at Wonder Bar in New York City who didn’t apply any pressure at all. But the morning after, he made an announcement.
“It’s too bad we can’t be f**k buddies.”
“Why not?”
“We’re both tops. What would we do?”
Did he really have to ask after keeping me up all night with everything but penetration? I understand that some guys simply enjoy anal sex and want to have a lot of it. That’s fine. But do they have to make those of us who don’t feel like failures in bed–or discard us altogether?
In a community where we add new letters to LGBTQI to make it more encompassing (in the beginning, it was just “LGB”), we can’t stop applying labels to divide ourselves and limit our dating and hook-up pools: “Top” or “bottom”? “Twink,” “otter,” “cub,” or “bear”? “L,” “XL,” or “XXL”? “Masc” or “fem”? “Dom” or “sub”?
With the ascent of online dating, for many, we’ve ceased being individuals, and we’re now just whatever category fits. I’m alternately “a top,” “a black top,” or “a big black top” to some guys who don’t bother to ask my name.
Our insistence on defining ourselves and others as “tops” and “bottoms” has spawned something called “top privilege,” which I recently read about for the first time. Despite the symbiosis between tops and bottoms, there’s apparently a lot of resentment and outright animosity. Are they sometimes actually having hate sex?
Related: “Top privilege” is a problem and it needs to be addressed
According to “top privilege,” many who identify as bottoms believe they do all the work (the prep work is a little mind-blowing), as if those who identify as tops can get strong, enduring hard-ons just because the other guy shows up. They also feel some tops treat bottoms like second-class gays.
Personally, I have nothing but respect for anyone who can take it like a man?—?yes, like a man. But the more I think about “top privilege,” and the more I hold it up to “white/male/straight privilege,” forerunners that no doubt inspired the concept, the more trivial it seems. In this PC age where we are constantly coming up with new terms to label the ways in which we make each other feel small, can there actually be “privilege” if a community is open to everyone?
Despite attempts to track down a missing biological link (which inadvertently and incorrectly implies that anal sex – and by extension, topping and bottoming – are strictly gay things or even defining gay things), there’s no conclusive evidence that whether we consider ourselves “tops” or “bottoms” is not ultimately and literally a matter of sexual preference. Even if we were predisposed to enjoy one role over the other, the labels would not be indivisible from who we are the way race, gender, and sexual orientation are.
Can we legitimately use them to victimize one group and demonize another in the same vein? What a lovely gay world it would be if we didn’t divide and limit ourselves by obsessing over labels in the first place. Think of all the potential Mr. Rights we wouldn’t miss out on just because they checked a certain box on Grindr.
Versatile should be the new black. That’s not just “versatile” as in flexible enough to flip in bed, but also flexible enough to transcend “type”-casting (“Bears” only! “Masc” only!), and especially flexible enough to have great sex without “Top or bottom?” being the crux of it.
There’s so much more to great sex, and anyone who thinks there isn’t hasn’t been doing it right.
Related: Is it time to abandon the top and bottom labels once and for all?
Donston
Once again, Queerty messes up an interesting topic by allowing a writer to tell people how to think and how they should live their lives. That’s how you get people against you. Open up the conversation and give perspectives and examples. But don’t flatout tell people the type of sex they should be having and who they should be having it with.
I’m a verse-top, though admittedly, it’s been quite a while since I bottomed. And my husband prefers to bottom. So, what’s the point of doing a switch-up? Just for the sake of a switch up? I do agree that both men who strictly top or bottom can garner some snobby or victim-based opinions. While some men who only top or bottom don’t get into the romance and passion of gay sex and gay connection but rather make it all about pounding a dude or getting pounded by a dude. However, many men who are verse can also develop superiority complexes and look down on guys who strictly top or bottom.
Ultimately, every demo has people with “issues” and people who love to play victim and people who are a-holes. That’s all it is.
Apolodorus
I wonder why you read the articles. I’m honestly curious, not being sarcastic. You seem to genuinely dislike the output of the site.
I of course, disagree with your analysis of the article – if you read an article of opinion you should expect… an opinion. It’s not a dictate, no one is hectoring you to follow it. But why should the author conceal his/her opinion to shield your feelings?
Donston
Telling people they should completely disregard their preferences and desires is pretty much what this article is doing. It’s telling people how to live their personal lives as well as dismissing entire sectors of people. And it’s frankly quite judgmental. It seems only “gay media” consistently get caught in this trap. There is nothing wrong with being honest and upfront about the type sex you want in a relationship. The author seems to be bitter that he can’t find a long term relationship because he doesn’t like anal. He’s putting his limitations on everyone else and pretty much saying everyone else has issues. Once again, this is the wrong way to approach opinion-based write-ups.
However, romance, emotional connection, sexual connection beyond anal and generally having a more open mind- it’s all stuff that should be promoted more amongst men who date men.
Donston
Furthermore, most “gay media” is continuously telling us that promiscuity is cool and abusing dangerous drugs is just fine. However, admitting that you have any type of perferences concerning anything is an issue. Big picture wise these new “agendas” are starting to become problematic and hypocritical.
Vince
Oh and how come oral sex wasn’t included in this. I mean if you don’t want to do the whole top or bottom thing then I would assume that’s something that you enjoying and are good at. I mean it can’t be all be cuddling after all can it? Eventually I do want to get off.
Paco
So if it is now offensive to be a total top or bottom, do both versatile guys prep before sex? Bottoms know what they need to do before hand and know what to expect.
enlightenone
Agree! As for myself, I am a bottom, monogamous, commitment-type, “baby boomer,” GAY person. Always was and will be. Never had a desire to “top” or need to be a “vers. We actually are a thing!
William
First of all – labels are important. All language is a series of labels that allow us to describe things. If we give up labels, we give up language. Being a ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ or ‘versatile’ or ‘versatile top’ or ‘versatile bottom’ let’s us know what our partner might be interested. Not into anal? There’s a label for that: Side. Be up front about being side. I know a few side guys.
As for killing romance, my husband describes himself as a total bottom and I describe myself as a versatile top and after 13 years the romance is not dead. And we don’t always need to have anal for a good time.
I wonder if I wrote a counter to this entire article if Queerty would publish it?
dustashed
^ I would love to read a counter article to this if you submit one to queerty.
Labels are important but at the same time they are not.. if that makes any sense. It makes things easier and more convenient, and labels arise from the need to quickly determine and associate things.
But..Having said that, I also believe that labels are not the end all and be all of everything.
djmcgamester
Write the piece and see what they do with it. Labels have their uses but if you’re categorically unwilling to accommodate a partner with a similar preference as your own, you can see how it probably wouldn’t work. Besides, if sex is the central part of a relationship, rather than a slice of it, what are the odds it’s going to work anyway?
Donston
“Labels” when it comes to orientation and sense of gender can be important for the sake of getting an understanding of who you, gaining comfort it with and being able to verbalize it. But they can also be problematic considering they can forced people into sociological bubbles, can be used for sociological purposes only and can be used to segregate yourself from others. They also can undermine the nuances of someone’s sense of self and the motivations behind their identities and behaviors. They can be used for manipulation. And many of these labels can mean a variety of different, contradictory things.
As far as the top/bottom thing, I don’t really mind it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying you’re a top or bottom if that’s what you prefer. But the way people sometimes use that status and the social and psychological complexes it can create is troubling. The article itself is ironically pro “labels” since it supports “verse”, which in and of itself is indeed a “label”.
Donston
This was meant to be a reply to William.
charlie_jackpot
I am a bottom. I have stuck my cock in people a couple of times, but I have a tight foreskin, condoms are painful and I cum far too soon. Also I don’t get hard from being sucked off – would much rather get fucked
It doesn’t mean I don’t like cuddling, kissing and everything in between – but I want to be penetrated and like it, and want to be with a man who likes to penetrate and is happy with the fact I can’t really penetrate him
So if I’m looking to hook up – I’m looking to get fucked (well ,not pound pound pound)
judysdad
I don’t like anal sex at all, too or bottom. I go for lots of tongue action, cottage and like to culminate in a long, deep, wet, sloppy, intense 69.
I’ve managed to perfect the ability to cum at the exact moment as my partner.
Though I’ve of course met guys who
would consider themselves told or bottoms, I’ve never been turned down by either.
We both end up satisfied, with a belly full of cum. What could be better?
CastleSF
I admire your self confidence but I for sure will turn you down if I have any inkling of what you are into in bed.
CastleSF
If someone identifies as a top, has low threshold for pain, resists intrusion of a foreign object consciously or unconsciously, is less than limber in bed, and doesn’t like to yield control to his partner, this person has no business in trying anything else but should instead continue to perform what he does best.
pwds
Im a Top. THAT IS SO WELL SAID, THANK YOU.
Paco
I guess I will never understand those that get bent out of shape because most men expect sex during sex.
I wonder how many straight guys are turned off by penetrative sex and complain when their female partners expect it. Because so far, I am only hearing this from gay men.
judysdad
Do you not consider oral sex to be “sex”? Since when?
Aromaeus
I blame porn for this honestly. You can find a lot of penetrative sex videos, a lot of which jump straight to that without any foreplay whatsoever. There is also the weird idea I’m finding amongst some guys that kissing and oral are not masculine things and the only thing that makes you gay but not that gay is sticking your dick in someone.
Creamsicle
Porn-related sexual dysfunction is so common these days. It’s easy to get it on demand wherever you are, so a lot of single guys overconsume it. It ends up fucking with their expectations of themselves and others and making it hard to have a satisfying sex life.
Sex is about more than penetration. That is super fun, but a guy needs to really get in my head before we can have mind blowing sex. That aspect of sex is almost never shown in porn, or is commonly fast forwarded through because most guys are already hot and bothered by the time they find the clip they want.
CastleSF
I believe a lot of people would agree that oral sex is less masculine than the penetrative sex.
Erik
What a bizarrely selfish line of reasoning. Essentially, since the author doesn’t like anal sex, anyone who isn’t willing to give up anal sex to be with him, is wrong, bad, etc.
“Unfortunately, that particular predilection often dims future prospects with guys who leave my bed smiling on the outside but disappointed on the inside–or ones who lose interest the moment I own it. I could swear some of them are thinking, If you’re not going to top me or bottom for me, you’re nothing. ”
That’s a really selfish way of looking at it. After all, you’ve made it clear that their desires are irrelevant, you don’t want to do something that they really want. So either they have to do without for as long as they are with you, or they are put in the unfair position of having to talk you into doing what they really want once in awhile. Frankly, it is your attitude that sabotages sex and romance, and you’ve made the whole thing into a power play where you get what you want, and your partner settles for whatever you’re willing to give, and does without anything else he wants.
That is not healthy. It is selfish of you to expect other people to do without anal sex to please you.
You are complaining because your choice to limit your sexual behavior, which requires other people to give that behavior up as well if they’re to be with you, and many people chose not to buy into that selfish dynamic. I’m not seeing anything in your post to make you worth such one-sided sacrifice, frankly.
If you’re never going to do the thing I like best, then no, you aren’t a good choice for any sort of long-term sexual relationship. You’ll expect me to always sacrifice my desires for you. Why should I give up something important to me, just for you, when you are not making the parallel sacrifice, and when I could find someone who shares my delight in anal sex?
Now, if you were not so selfish, you would very honestly and accurately tell people at the very start – “I rarely, if ever, am interested in anal sex” and embrace the results – sex with men who want the same thing you do. But you’re selfish, you want to have your desires fulfilled without having to even acknowledge those of others.
judysdad
It one is honest about his limitations upfront to a potential sex partner–which I, for one, have always been–and the potential partner accepts that, then you are not really forcing anything on him that he does not really want. If he rejects you for it, so he it. But, believe it or not, a lot of guys are able to take pleasure in various forms of sexual exchange. And some aren’t.
chris33133
Well said. Lots of people accept all sorts of sexual activity for a one-night stand. However, for something to last longer, the partners need to be able and willing to allow each other the breadth of sexual experiences that they each desire. To do otherwise means that someone will have either to sacrifice or to look outside of the couple/thruple/etc. to find what he desires.
pwds
I cant be total ignorance of some of this discussion. Nature has given each of us one of three instinctive sexual drivers. The Bottoms get 100% submission , Tops get 100% dominance, and Versatile are in the the grey scale and get a mix of both. Dominance and submission then give our sex activities the relevant ‘desire”. Having the desire for that activity is basically essential for us to want to do the activity and to be able to do it. Im a Top, i never desire anything to happen to arse, in fact in sex i never even think about my arse. I am honest with my sex partners. Its sex. Just because you can give or take anal sex doesn’t mean someone else has too. How on earth could that be selfish. Perhaps you are selfish for ignorantly imposing your own sexual desires on someone else.
I have only had one relationship, that was with a Bottom. Any future relationship would be with a Bottom. Tops and Bottoms are not versatile. To not match through a whole relationship would be horrible for a both. I would not have a relationship with a versatile The sex is too different and Versatiles are too difficult to deal with. They selfishly believe that I should be identical to them.
drumstick
When I came out in 1985, anal sex was seriously high risk. As in Russian Roulette. The first time I got tested for HIV, the counselor – a leather man in full leathers – asked me, “Are you having anal sex?” I replied, “No. Not yet.” He said, “Good. Don’t start. There are lots of other things you can do in bed. Learn to appreciate them before your u start down the never ending road of fucking.” At 21, I was floored, but I took the advice to heart and it was hand jobs, blow jobs (which were still considered risky) and something called the “ Princeton Rub”, otherwise known as “frottage”.
When I met my boyfriend in 1989 – now my husband 28years later – we both agreed to practice “safe sex”. And it was mostly the Princeton Rub. We didn’t add anal sex into our repertoire until many years later. And we alternate topping and bottoming.
I think that keeping your options open and gradually exploring other types of sexual activity has what has kept us together- monogamously – all these years..
Heywood Jablowme
That is a VERY good point. A lot of us from that era (1980s) learned there’s much more to sex than anal sex. Suddenly in recent years, it’s like anal is the only thing anybody cares about. Possibly because nobody knows how to give a decent bj anymore.
CastleSF
I have to take your comment with a grain of salt, Heywood, because it sounds a little patronizing.
drumstick
When i came out in 1985, anal sex was like Russian Roulette. The first time I got tested, the counsellor – a man in full leather – asked me, “Are you f*cking yet?” Try to avoid going down that road. There’s lots of other things you can do in bed.”
So, I stuck with handjobs and the “Princeton Rub” (frottage) for years. Blowjobs were considered “unsafe” back then.
Four years later, I met my current husband of 28 years. We had a similar approach to sex, coming out at the same time.
Over time, we expanded our repetoire to include anal sex but it isnt always the main event. This has kept our sex life growing all the years.. Monogomously.
MaxTaste
I’m versatile because when somebody is willing to have sex with me, I have to be ready to do whatever. Beggars can’t be choosers.
radiooutmike
I’m not particularly fond of this backhand shaming of people’s preferences.
It seems like every time this debate comes up, the ‘you don’t need penetration for it to be sex’ men think they have this moral high ground over us that are ‘beholden’ to anal sex. Yes, I adore being penetrated. I live for that. But, I, as an adult, know that sex includes more than just penetration.
CastleSF
I think there is a common misguided notion among people who can go either way that you must be lazy, selfish, or sexually repressed if you can go only one way.
pwds
That’s exactly what I get because I’m a Top and my arse isn’t available in sex ( I am honest with them up front.) I hate Bottoming, I love topping, I am focused on it and I am very good at it. These people will tell me I am selfish at the same time as I am giving them wonderful topping!
StandingAndWalking
This article conflates three otherwise good points: 1.) Labels can be needlessly restrictive; 2.) No one should feel forced to do something sexually they don’t want to do nor should they be shamed for their desires or lack thereof; 3.) There are gay men for whom anal sex is not particularly appealing and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’m actually a #3 – I’ve never topped, the couple of times I tried bottoming it was not a good experience. I’ve been in a couple of longer relationships where it’s been a non-issue. I’d never expect someone to forego a sexual need, and if I loved someone who wanted to go there I would do my enthusiastic best to make him happy, but I’ve managed to be with people who felt similar to me.
But it’s hard because I do often feel like I’m damaged goods because I’d rather have everything else on the menu instead. But to say it’s because of label-shaming is bullshit.
It also sounds like he’s projecting and assuming that since he doesn’t personally care for anal, anyone who says they do is just bowing to pressure and he’s setting them free to admit the truth. And while I suspect there are more non-analists than admit to it, I also assume most guys do it because they really like it and nothing else takes its place.
I’d add a fourth point that the author neglects: no one should settle for an unfulfilling sex life because their partner has a weaker/different libido. And that goes both ways.
ElPillo
Don’t tell me it isn’t romance during penetration. My gosh, millions of honeymooners aren’t being romantic!!!
OzJosh
I get that this article presents a personal point of view, but the danger is that giving it the spotlight legitimises that point of view, rather than challenging the underlying assumptions and psychology. Anyone who tried bottoming once and decided it hurt too much to try again really needs some helpful advice, not a platform on Queerty. If it hurts, it’s more than likely because you’re tense, unprepared, under-lubricated, psychologically not ready, or have an insensitive or impatient partner – or a combination of the above. If you’re relaxed, prepped and with someone sensitive who knows what they’re doing, then it shouldn’t hurt at all. And here’s where a lot of porn and the crap that gets written on sites like this is unhelpful. For example, the notion that if you’re a virgin you’re going to be “tight” and therefore it’s gotta hurt. The sphincter is a muscle; it’s more likely to be tight if it’s been well exercised, so the notion that virgins are tighter than experienced bottoms is just utter nonsense. What they are generally is tense, which is not the same thing. Instead of articles like this, what is really needed is some practical advice about butts and how they work, so that fewer people will leap to silly conclusions about anal sex.
CastleSF
Your perspective is mostly limited to the physiological aspects of it but neglects the larger picture of the psychological side. Many men simply do not like to be penetrated because they like to be in control or they loathe the idea of playing the female role, which is quite understandable.
pwds
What ever happened to sexual desire? If you desire a sex activity, you will eventually have it and overcome any pain. I’m a Top, I have no sexual desire to have anything up my arse ( I take it from time to time, but that’s for other reasons and i never desire it). I can remember that I knew I was a Top before i even had my first sexual encounter. My desires were clear.
I am honest with all my sex partners. I tell them I am a Top. I have plenty of varied and intense sex, as the Top. My sex partners are satisfied. No one is selfish.
I cannot understand why the Vers world has such a problem with an aspect of my sex life. And they get so upset about it. I am honest with my sex partners, I have a fulfilling sex life, and I am a damn good Top. And I am very skilled at arsework. I dont have too take it up the arse to be so skilled, I just have to desire the bottoms arse and care about the Bottom.
djmcgamester
I like a lot of what the article says. We are too hung up on what position, how much (or little) hair a person has, masc/fem, etc. I’ve never stated my position on dating profiles. It’s not that I don’t have preferences but if can’t accommodate a potential relationship in bed, and he do the same for me, then we really don’t belong together. I’m not saying everyone needs to be 100% versatile but I also can’t understand 100% top or 100% bottom.
As for the author not liking anal sex, whatever. It probably wouldn’t work for me but I know he’s not alone in that. As far as his experience at age 22, I have to assume his partner didn’t know what he was doing. A little time and effort goes a long way in making it a great experience no matter which position you take.
AdrianS
This was a good article. Thanks.
Of course everyone is entitled to like whatever they like and I’m sure many are anal-obssesed, that’s ok, it’s their way. But it’s truly annoying sometimes, as the author says, that gay sex=anal sex. I hate when people says I didn’t have sex because a penis wasnt inside an anus. I’ve been lucky to find people who are not anal-obssesed, but they are not easy to find. I reckon harder now in new generations where porn-educated teenagers think on anly stick a dick or get plowed as the only possibility. If I have a long session of “foreplay” (hate that term as well, as if the only price for real is penetration), with lot’s of oral sex, kisses, rimming, handjobs, frotting, etc, with many orgasms, for most that was not “real sex”. But, if I get fucked for 5 minutes in a toliet without any kissing or even facing the other man, and without reaching an orgasm….then, I’m so lucky I had real sex.
AdrianS
And just to mention, I can enjoy anal sex, it’s just I’m not anal-obsessed or think gay sex equals gay sex. I can have anal sex or just oral or just touching, or whatever feels good as long as I’m happy with the person I’m with and there is a it’s consensual. If I dont want to top or to bottom and I like the guy, we can do many thing and enjoy. That’s the final point. Theres nor rules for having sex.