Back-to-school season is upon us, and boy, do we wish we were celebrating!
However, students aren’t the only ones headed back; teachers are, too, like Brian Jordan Alvarez, who portrays Evan Marquez in FX and Hulu’s new series, English Teacher, which dropped this week.
According to the synopsis, Mr. Marquez, the titular English teacher in Austin, Texas, “finds himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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As an openly gay educator, he struggles to connect with pupils who’d prefer to spend class time gossiping with friends, vaping, on their phones, or all of the above. It sounds like he will need some really cool markers to cut through the noise on this one.
That said, the show already makes us feel nostalgic for the school supplies of our younger years.
As closeted gay kids, Lisa Frank and pink were straight-up no-gos. But even if we had to give the illusion of straight, we still appreciated every scented color and neon zebra.
See how Brian Jordan Alvarez navigates the halls of high school when English Teacher premieres on FX on September 2.
While we wait for the premiere of English Teacher, here are 6 school supplies every gay had (or secretly wanted).
1. Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers
Ahh, ye olde Trapper Keeper! In the pantheon of school supplies, no object allowed individuality and wide broadcast of personality quite like the pocketed binder. Unfortunately, that’s precisely why closeted queer boys bought the ones decorated with basketballs, skateboards, or the slightly more provocative palm trees.
In a judgment-free world, our binders would have been exclusively Lisa Frank-branded. From neon-striped smiling tiger cubs and uncannily cute kittens to galactic and pink-hued ice cream sundaes, the whimsical artist’s unhinged and flamboyant style seemed realized from our imaginations.
To all the girls who had Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, we hope you treated Ms. Rainbow Unicorn half as well as we would’ve.
2. Multicolor Ballpoint Pen
Was there anything more satisfying than giving one of these bad boys a BIIIIIGGG click?
The multicolored ballpoint pen was one of Bic’s finest inventions, apparently originating in 1970s France and housing a mind-blowing four colors of ink within one body. Still, the most gay-friendly iterations extend beyond the binaries of blue, black, red, and green, with shades of yellow, orange, purple, et al.
Not only could we showcase our perfect penmanship with a pleasurable snap of a lever — we could do it in the prettiest shade of pink.
3. Barbie Lunchbox
Was any elementary school lunchbox as enviable as the pink plastic Barbie one with matching thermos? I have to imagine even the straight guys could appreciate its aesthetic, if not then, at least now. Unfortunately, most of us had to settle on something a little more sterile, or worse, superhero-themed.
Nevertheless, the pink explosion that was 2023’s Barbie may encourage the next generation of closeted school-age gays to more loudly share their passion for fashion—or at least Greta Gerwig films.
4. Sparkling Pencil Cases
There was no better receptacle for writing utensils (or scribbled note secrets) than a school desk pencil case. OK, so if you were a closeted young gay, you probably weren’t allowed to get one in sparkling pink or covered in Hello Kitty stickers.
Nonetheless, the utility, privacy, and individuality they afforded us in the classroom felt important. There was no better place to stash our fruity and fruit-shaped pencil erasers, favorite pen, or the lyrics to Britney Spears songs. On top of that, who could beat the smell of that fresh, unused plastic?!
5. Scented Markers
Scented markers were so queer-coded that their arrangement was basically just the Pride Flag. With vibrant colors and vivid smells, they somehow took every handwritten note or coloring book page to the next level—even if the wafts of cherry got dizzying sometimes.
Perhaps it was a future candle-gay sense tingling, but banana-scribbled giraffes and green apple-colored grass seemed to hit differently. Although the black licorice-scented one? Keep that sh*t away from us!
6. Girl Tech Password Journal
We still don’t understand why there wasn’t a masculine-marketed counterpart to this back-to-school must-have. As modeled by this infomercial (and those before and after it), the high-tech device was a journal locked by some then-astonishing use of voice detection or passcode.
For closeted young queers, a protected place for our secrets, crushes, and burgeoning critiques of pop culture would have been thoroughly used. Instead, we had to save our adolescent melodramatics for pages of the undoubtedly less secure composition notebooks. Sigh.
