Gay dudes know ball!

With NFL season kicking off Thursday, fantasy football drafts are being held in virtual chatrooms across this great nation. To prepare for the big day, many fantasy aficionados scour draft magazines and online rankings. But some gay fantasy addicts use another tried-and-true barometer to judge their perspective draftees: hot or not?

ESPN NFL analyst Mina Kimes–a burgeoning star at the network–recently posted her gay friend’s draft list. He ranks each player according to their physical appearance, with his ultimate selections highlighted in green.

“I have a gay friend who drafts every year entirely based on looks. He just texted me ‘Wanted Jimmy G but ended up with Mahomes’ which has to be the first time in the history of the world that sentence has been uttered in a fantasy football context. Dying at his rankings,” Kimes wrote.

Take a look for yourself…

There’s an old adage in sports: sometimes the best trades are the ones you don’t make. In this case, the axiom also applies to our football-loving gay’s fantasy draft.

Though Jimmy Garoppolo might be the hottest QB in the league–he’s a handsome Italian stud with dark features to match–he’s a marginal player at this point in his career. The 32-year-old is oft-injured and ineffective, ending last season on the bench. He enters the season as backup QB for the Los Angeles Rams, which seems to be the perfect spot for him.

His chiseled features get to glisten in the Southern California sunshine, while his noodle arms takes a rest. (Sorry, Jimmy G, we love you!)

The next two pass-throwers on the list–Jalen Hurts and Joe Burrow–are studs on and off the field. Hurts is a dynamic young star for the Philadelphia Eagles, who’s just as likely to toss a 50-yard Hail Mary as twist defenders’ ankles on his way to the end zone.

Hurts, 26, also has an eye for fashion. The two-time Pro Bowler is giving pure class.

Burrow, meanwhile, is TikTok’s favorite NFL heartthrob. The so-called “coldest white boy on the planet,” even the NFL can’t help but objectify the Cincinnati Bengals’ stud passer. Last year, the league shared a TikTok glorifying Burrow on its official account, complete with a female voice fawning over his looks.

““Oh my God, you look so good, I’m obsessed,” the woman moans.

@nfl

good lord ? (via @Cincinnati Bengals) #joeburrow #cincinnati #bengals #daddy

? natalyatoryanski sound – Savmacc

It’s easy to see why! Burrow leans into his thirst, testing out his runway walk at the Vogue World Fashion Show in Paris and entering training camp with bleached blonde hair. If bleaching one’s hair isn’t a signal to distressed gay boys everywhere, then nothing is!

Better yet, Burrow also appears to be a steadfast supporter of Kamala Harris. Though he’s been photographed with Trump at a UFC event (yuck), he’s spoken out in favor of the Black Lives Matter movement and reproductive rights. Earlier this summer, he participated in the now-iconic “White Dudes for Kamala” Zoom call.

While Burrow is one of the best QBs in the game, he’s still behind Patrick Mahomes, the reigning Super Bowl champ. With three rings already under his belt, Mahomes is already considered one of the greatest quarterbacks ever… despite only being 28!

Kimes’ gay bestie did wind up landing Mahomes, the fourth QB on his list. We are staunch proponents of the Kansas City Chiefs’ star, who dominates the NFL with a peak dad bod.

Oftentimes, the total package counts…

Related*

Quarterbacks are stereotypically considered the most attractive football players, though studies indicate that wide receivers actually belong at the top. With that in mind, our pigskin queen was able to land his top two targets: Chicago Bears wideout D.J. Moore and Philadelphia Eagles playmaker Saquon Barkley.

It’s hard to argue with the results…

Of course, the most homoerotic position in football is tight end, for self-explanatory reasons. Rob Gronkowski, who said he would be “cool” with a gay teammate before same-sex marriage was legalized, embodies the position’s true essence.

Meaty, mighty and hunky.

But with Gronk now retired, Kimes’ friend turned his gay eyes to… Taysom Hill.

Drafting Hill is a shrewd move, and we’re not just talking about his baby-faced smile. A multi-faceted talent, Hill plays multiple positions for the New Orleans Saints. They’re officially slotting him at tight end, though he’s also expected to take snaps at running back, receiver and possibly QB… in certain trick packages 😉.

That means Hill has more opportunities to put up points than other tight ends, because he plays more positions.

Score one for the gays… and fans of Southern Gentlemen! (Travis Kelce, also a contender on the list, is taken ofc.)

For those wondering, the coach of this studly squad would be Green Bay Packers play-caller Matt LaFleur, one of the league’s many bright young offensive masterminds. LaFleur can scheme up a play that will make your head spin, all while appearing calm and collected.

Oh wait, we almost forgot: the kicker!

Harrison Butker brought great shame to the derided position over the offseason, when he professed homophobic and chauvinistic views to college graduates in a viral commencement address.

Butker suggested that gay pride is a farce and encouraged women to stay home. He’ll be suffering for his regressive views all season long.

Some of the suffering could come from the Los Angeles Chargers, one of the Chiefs’ divisional rivals. Their kicker, Michael Badgley, has long locks and non-homophobic views (at least to our knowledge). That’s good enough for us!

With multiple draft picks in, this already looks like one formidable team! They say you can’t judge a book by its cover… unless, apparently, we’re talking fantasy football!

Related: This all-hot NFL fantasy football team will win your league and quicken your pulse

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