I made a small, ahem, “mess” in my new boyfriend’s sheets & I’m mortified. What should I do?

Hi Jake,

So, this is embarrassing to write, but here goes…

I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and it’s going really well. Our sexual chemistry is great and we get along nicely. That said, the other day I accidentally made a small “mess” in his sheets when I bottomed. Usually, I try to prep, but in this particular case, it was more spontaneous, so I didn’t get a chance.

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When we were done, and the sheets were pulled back, I was utterly mortified. I felt so much shame, because to me it’s just such a yucky thing to happen, and I was the one that did it to his fresh white sheets.

Now, I feel totally embarrassed to even see him again, much less talk about what happened. Even though he didn’t say anything, I’m worried he’s grossed out too, and isn’t going to want to top me again.

I don’t want to any anything because I fear I might bring it more attention that it’s worth, but I also can’t shake this feeling of disgust and humiliation. Help!

Bottom Shamed

Dear Bottom Shamed,

Sexual intercourse (gay and otherwise) is a vulnerable act that involves bodily fluids, functions, and physical responses, many of them beyond our control.

The very nature of gay penetrative sex involves an area of the body that has multiple uses, and although we can try to do what we can to mitigate certain things from happening, it’s not always a guarantee.

Even when guys take preventative measures, it doesn’t always mean there won’t be issues. Human bodies are going to do what human bodies do, plain and simple.

Gay men who are sexually active are usually aware of the potential pitfalls of anal penetration, and some things (read: poo) are simply part of the deal. Sure, it’s annoying, and even gross, but you ultimately decide that the pleasure is worth the risk, even when the risk becomes a reality.

For the most part, you can avoid this type of situation if you’re mindful (or even put a towel down first “just in case”). But, as you accurately said yourself, this was an “accident”. It wasn’t on purpose, so there’s no reason to be ashamed.

In fact, putting all of the blame on yourself in this situation doesn’t seem fair. “It’s a bottom’s duty,” I’ve heard said, but I disagree. Both of you weighed the risks, and decided to participate in the experience (and probably still enjoyed it, despite the unintended outcome). It takes two to tango, as they say, so taking on all of the responsibility for this is unwarranted.

Therefore, I wouldn’t make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Besides perhaps making a little joke about the situation if you feel like it, or offering to help clean up, being overly apologetic is simply giving in to unnecessary shame. In fact, I probably wouldn’t say anything at all.

If he likes you, he’s not going to let one slightly gross but essentially harmless incident stop him for doing it again. And if he were to reject you after this, that says a lot about his character, and you probably wouldn’t want to be with him anyway.

The sex and chemistry between you guys is great, so don’t allow this to affect it. Take a breath and try to be less hard on yourself. When feelings of shame arise, simply notice them, label them as unfair shame-based thoughts, and let them dissipate.

Let’s face it, at the end of day… sh*t happens!

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.

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