Hi Jake,
27-year-old butch lesbian here. I recently joined a queer sports league with a mix of different people from the LGBTQ+ community. It’s been a lot of fun meeting new friends, but one thing I quickly noticed was that a lot of the gay men in the league like to make passive aggressive “jokes” about how women are “gross” and our bodies “smell.”
Keep in mind, these are grown men saying these things. Some of them are older than me. And I get it. They’re not into chicks! (No complaints here. The feeling is mutual. I’m not into dudes!)
How about we take this to the next level?
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But at what age do people begin to realize that it’s not OK to say those kinds of things to people? We are supposed to be a community, but it’s hard to feel connected when I’m constantly made to feel like the butt of a joke simply because I’m a lesbian.
How should I handle this?
Locker Room Lesbian
Dear Locker Room Lesbian,
Anyone who joins a sports league deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, so I’m sorry that your experience has been negative. You’d think that an LGBTQ+ group would be a safe space, especially since most of the people under that umbrella share similar experiences, even if they have different identities.
There’s a reason we often combine gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and gender non-conforming people into the same groups, and create blanket terms like “queer” or “LGBTQ+”. By doing so, we allow for greater visibility, social solidarity, and greater advocacy for our rights and protections. Joining forces usually helps us become stronger as a community, as evidenced by how the lesbians turned out for gay men during the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis.
Opening up the league to the entire community should create an even greater sense of connectedness and kinship, but clearly, that’s not always the case. Unfortunately, it happens all too often where those who have been oppressed end up oppressing others, perhaps as a way to regain a feeling of control.
Some gay men end up doing to women or lesbians the very things that were done to them. Some say they just don’t relate to lesbians, as there are some big differences in social norms, interests, and ways of expressing themselves within the two groups. Others, however, react from a place of unconscious misogyny or internalized homophobia.
Regardless, it’s pretty petty, and the guys in your league hurling words like “gross” and “smelly” sound like they’re on the middle school playground, not on the adult athletic field. It’s never cool to hurl insults or names, even guised as a “joke.”
Whether they’re part of your greater community or not, that kind of treatment or bullying is never okay, and you may need to set boundaries for yourself so that it’s clear that behavior is not acceptable. The next time it happens, remind them that this is an LGBTQ+ league, NOT a gay men’s league, and they’re free to leave if they don’t like it. If that doesn’t work, see about asking the commissioner or league president for some additional support.
In the meantime, go where the love is. Try to avoid the a-holes, and find the girls, gays, and theys on the team that lift you up, rather than knock you down. If anything, these mean gays should remember who they’re up against—if things get physical, my money’s on the butch lesbian over them any day.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
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