Hi Jake,
I just started freshman year at college and have already begun to hit it off with people. I sort of have a group I hang out with, and they’re all really nice and cool. Here’s the thing though… they don’t know I’m gay.
I’m not in the closet at home (came out three years ago), so I can’t figure out why I’m holding back on mentioning it here. I guess I don’t want it to be my entire identity, or make it some seriously big deal.
How about we take this to the next level?
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I wish I could just be straight up and say, “I like dudes”, when someone mentions girls to me (which has happened a couple times), but for some reason, I feel awkward about it.
Why is this harder than it was going to be?
Undercover Undergrad
Dear Undercover Undergrad,
Cheers to an exciting new chapter! Entering college is a transformative life stage, and with that, comes forging a brand new identity.
The good news is you have an opportunity to introduce yourself to a new community of people however you see fit, shedding any regrets, baggage, or preconceived notions you might feel you’re still carrying from high school. Many people have a metamorphosis in college, and are able to shine as their true selves.
The bad news is that sometimes, having to present yourself all over again can feel exhausting and even re-trigger some of the difficult feelings you faced in your “old” life, including fear about telling people that you’re gay.
Don’t fret, though. This is a normal part of queer identity formation. As you move through life, you’ll find that as a gay person, you’re in an ongoing “coming out” process, continually having to reveal who you are to new people in new situations. There are always new classes, internships, jobs, friend groups, et cetera, and in each of those you’ll potentially end up revealing your true self, while correcting incorrect assumptions.
You might think, “Why is it my responsibility to have to educate people about something that isn’t definitive of my entire identity?” You certainly don’t have to, and it’s up to you to discern when to do so. That said, if you want to have true connections with people, and feel closer to them, the best way to do that is through authenticity.
It can be confusing when coming out with your truth feels awkward or hard, especially when you’ve been through it once before. But remember, as queer people, many of us developed an unconscious need to protect ourselves from homophobia or micro-aggressions at a very young age, and that mechanism still dwells within us as we move into new domains. If you feel like you’re regressing a bit on being out and proud, don’t beat yourself up. It comes from something deeply ingrained in us that seeks safety, acceptance, and love.
The truth is, you’ve done this before, so you know you can do it again! Try to recognize that much of your hesitation or fear likely stems from a sense of perceived disappointment or disapproval—coming more from within yourself than from your friends.
To make it less challenging, I might first try talking to one of the friends in your group who you feel the closest with, and rip the band-aid off. Saying, “I like dudes” might be exactly the strategy to take, because if you’re not making a big deal about it, it won’t be a big deal to them. After that, you can decide how to proceed with your other friends, or even ask your closer friend to help you relay the news.
Just like when you came out before, I’m sure you’ll feel a huge sense of relief when you finally speak your truth. Not only that, you’ll be stronger, happier, and more self-assured by choosing your authentic self over your fears.
If anyone has an issue with it, let’s just hope they use their college years to get a bit more educated. I hear Intro to Human Sexuality 101 still has a few openings…
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
hey scotty
it is ok to be g a y
they wont mind.
and if they do,
that is their issue, not yours.
college can be fun. stay safe and well
rikard_pearson
as an older gay, who was closeted for a long time, socially introverted, so not looking for partnership particularly, i’m not always comfortable with an out persona. it’s ok to have a few hang ups and anyone you meet and eventually tell will accept it when you say “i don’t know why i felt weird and held back like that”. nothing is more relatable than a low level confession of low level anxiety.
wikidBSTN
We gays and lesbians have to come out again and again . . . . and again. We do it for the rest of our lives. Every single time we meet a new person, there is the point where we find ourselves asking, do I come out and when?
My two cents – give people time to get to know you and bond a bit. Then just be authentic. When someone comments on the opposite sex simply agree and then say, but truth be told – I’m _______.
Don’t wait too long though. You want to be quick about finding the cool people who aren’t put off by other people being different. You are in college – so the orchard is LARGE and there for the picking. Go for it and enjoy what could be the best four years of your life. 🙂
BEPVA
The only person who is making a big deal of this is you.
Why would you do that to yourself?
All you gotta do is say “Not into her – I’m more into him” to get the message across.
Thad
It’s simple. He’s at a “Christian” college or Bible school! At schools like Hillsdale being gay just doesn’t happen in 2024.
BeaglePower
Please. This would have been an issue in 1995.
jackmister
I have just always assumed that everyone thinks I’m gay. If they think I’m straight, I just laugh it off and correct them. It doesn’t have to be a “big deal.”
JanDivine
Well, a lot depends on a lot. If you are going to Liberty University you may want to keep this under wraps, or at least under the covers. If you are in a fraternity, honey, trust me, they know, no need to out yourself. You may want to invest in a trench coat, black hat, and large sunglasses. Really, most schools these days have LGBT+ clubs, look for one. Good luck, you will be fine and happy.
RJ
I went through the same thing- not realizing that we just don’t come out once. We come for the first time… and then THOUSANDS of times more afterwards. The cultural gay ” icons and mentors” don’t really tell us that coming out isn’t just a one-time deal. It’s a lifetime deal. It’s truly a pain in the ass. Sometimes it easy and sometimes it’s uncomfortable AF all over again. But in your situation, if you come out to your new buds and they’re weird about it- it’s the universe telling you they’re not your tribe and to move on- despite how much you’re clicking with all of them rn. Then again, you might even find a few of your new buds are bi or non-binary. Afterall, you’re all millenials…. the most evolved generation we have right now. Be true to you. It will open many more doors than keeping the closet one closed….
queerbec
I hope this situation doesn’t prevent you from dating or developing a relationship. I would presume that you are open to such possibilities, since college is a great time to explore those opportunities. It would be inevitable that your new group of bros would encounter you on campus on a date or just hanging out with a gay friend. You may even bring this person back to your dorm, your apartment or to a party, so folks are going to find out sooner or later. Just don’t hide who you are whether out of shyness, fear of judgment or trying to join a club or frat that subtly discourages gay members. Why not suggest that some of your group join you for general release gay film that you really want to see or a gay singer or comedian passing through town and see how they respond. You may find that others in your group are also struggling to get our a self-imposed and uncomfortable closet.