My friend is going overboard with botox & fillers! How do I tell him enough is enough?

Hi Jake,

My friend has a problem. He keeps going to various doctors for more and more botox, fillers, and other enhancements, and it’s starting to make him look, well, crazy.

Almost every time I see him, he looks like he’s had another round of getting something altered, whether it be more filler in his cheeks, more botox around his forehead (I basically can’t even tell if he’s having an emotion any more because his face won’t move!), or getting his lips plumped up.

How about we take this to the next level?

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The sad part is, when I first met him a few years ago, he was already a very handsome guy! Clearly, he has some warped view of himself, and just isn’t seeing himself the way others do. He thinks getting more work done is helping things, but it’s making them worse!

How do I convey that he’s actually taken it too far? I don’t want to insult him because his self-esteem is so fragile, but if I don’t say something, I fear he’s going to look like the human Ken doll soon.

Saving Face

Dear Saving Face,

It’s one thing to want to look our best, and even seek occasional help for that. It’s another thing when it becomes obsessive, and starts looking, as you put it, “crazy.”

Any time a friend is engaging in something that might be unhealthy, it’s okay to have concerns. Overdoing it with cosmetic surgery or enhancements can have serious medical risks and long-term consequences, and they’re not always easy to correct (we’ve all seen Botched!).

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help that in queer culture, the standards for physical beauty have always been extremely high, with a lot of demand to look a certain way. “Currency” for gay men has often revolved around being sexually viable to others, even when there’s so much more to a person than the way they look.

Some say this drive for physical perfection comes from growing up feeling “less than” in society, and serves as a way to overcompensate for those feelings of low self-worth we internalized when we were younger. Regardless, trying to uphold unrealistic standards is a recipe for disappointment.

For your friend, it’s hard not to wonder if his need to look a certain way is more of an emotional issue, rather than simply wanting to modify a few things. In fact, he may be suffering from what is called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)”, a mental health condition where a person becomes excessively preoccupied with perceived defects or flaws in their physical appearance which are often not noticeable to others.

If this is the case, whenever your friend looks in the mirror, his perception is most likely skewed, as he’s viewing himself through a lens of low self-worth, or even self-hatred. Sadly, no matter what cosmetic work he has done, he’s never going to see himself the way that you or others do. At least not without help from a mental health expert.

It would likely benefit him to do some work in therapy, so he can begin to understand himself better, and start to accept himself. You might float the idea, and perhaps even mention how it’s helped people you’ve known (or even yourself!) in the past.

Depending on the quality of your relationship, you could even talk to him directly about your concerns, as long as you can do it from a place of love and concern, not judgment. For someone like him, the last thing he needs is to feel criticized.

Saying something like, “I thought you’ve always looked great, even before you started having work done” will probably land better than, “You’re starting to look really crazy. You have to stop!”

If that doesn’t work, there’s always the option of indiscriminately leaving some “plastic-surgery-gone-wrong” photos around his place. I mean, the human Ken doll might scare anyone straight. 🙂

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.

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