My hetero colleagues think I’m lusting after them in the men’s room. Should I tell them off?

Hi Jake,

I work in tech and my office is mostly a bunch of straight bros. I’m used to being the lone gay guy on my team, but my problem is they tend to think I’m automatically into them.

This has happened a few times now, and it’s always with guys I am definitely NOT attracted to. They like to make comments as if I’m lusting after them and it’s starting to get exhausting.

How about we take this to the next level?

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When I tried to strike up a conversation with one at our Friday Happy Hour, he actually had the nerve to tell me he was “only into chicks”, but that I was a “nice dude.” Another one constantly makes “jokes” about how I’m probably trying to check him out every time we’re in the men’s room together. He wishes!

How do I let straight dudes know that just because I’m into guys, it doesn’t mean I’m into EVERY guy, and especially not them? I don’t want to be rude, but I’m sick of it!

Setting Them Straight

Dear Setting Them Straight,

Methinks the straight dudes doth protest too much!

One would hope by the year 2024, people would understand sexuality a bit more, but alas, many people still hold outdated and stereotypical views about what it means to be gay. What you’re experiencing sounds like a case of plain ole’ ignorance that queer people have been dealing with for decades.

For some reason, there are some straight guys who, even though they’re not into every woman they see, still assume that if you’re gay, you’ve got to be into him. Is it homophobic? Maybe. But more likely it’s just be a lack of knowledge of or exposure to queer culture.

Some also theorize that some straight guys get uncomfortable or even defensive around gay guys because, deep down, they have questions about their own sexuality. They might feel uneasy by the idea of male attraction directed at them for fear of being perceived as gay themselves, or they could have doubts about their own masculinity and what it means to “be a man.”

But, regardless of why you’re experiencing this, the workplace should feel safe and welcoming, and not a place where you feel disrespected, belittled, or marginalized.

Depending on the relationship you have with each of your coworkers, you get to decide how you want to handle them. If it’s someone you actually like, you might decide to talk to them about how their comments affect you, and inform them on how they can evolve in their thinking. With others, you might not want to give it any energy. It’s certainly not in your job description to educate anyone about this!

Of course, there’s certainly no room in the workplace for blatant disrespect or homophobia, and if it seems like you’re on the receiving end of that, I’d encourage you to take it up with your boss or the HR department.

News flash! Gay guys don’t want to bang every guy who crosses their path. The fact that your coworkers assume you do, regardless of your lack of attraction, is both arrogant and insulting. Instead of worrying about you in the men’s room, maybe they should flush some of their outdated ideas down the toilet.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.