Hi Jake,
I recently had a humiliating thing happen. I met a guy on Sniffies. We chatted for a bit, exchanged some pics, and I invited him over. When he showed up at my door, he took one look at me and immediately got really upset. He accused me of “catfishing” him and said I sent him fake pictures… even saying it’s guys like me who “ruin the apps.”
Full disclosure: The pictures I sent him were of me. Granted, they were from eight or nine years ago, but I think I mostly look the same. Sure, I’m a little older and maybe not quite as toned, but I think I still look good for my age. He apparently didn’t think so and left, but not before grumbling something about wasting $30 on an Uber.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Afterwards, I went to message him. I wanted to apologize and offer to Venmo him the money he spent getting to my place. But he had blocked me. The whole thing made me feel rotten and very embarrassed, but even more so, guilty. Did I do something wrong?
Fishing…not Catfishing
Dear Fishing…not Catfishing,
It never feels good to be rejected. Unfortunately, however, that’s part of the unwritten contract we enter into when we engage in random online hookups. There’s always a chance one party, or even both, won’t be interested when you meet IRL.
The guy you invited over is perfectly allowed to change his mind. Could he have been less rude about it? Probably. It’s sufficient enough for someone to just say they “changed their mind,” rather than lumping you into some viscous group that is apparently “ruining the apps.” But who knows what is story is? Maybe he has really high expectations when it comes to hookups, or perhaps he’s had a number of experiences where people have misled him? Regardless, he clearly was having some feelings.
That said, if you’re using old pics to market yourself, you have to be prepared for that possibility. Showcasing a photo that is eight or nine years old just isn’t the same thing as taking a selfie that day, or even that month, no matter how good you still look for your age. I get it. We all want to present our best selves when it comes to landing the hottest guys, but if you do that, you have to be prepared for a number of responses, including disapproval.
Here’s the thing though: How rejection affects you is an internal job. You don’t have to let it mean more than it does, which is one specific person simply not finding you a match for what they’re looking for in that moment. It’s not always personal, because each person sees things through their own lens and places a judgment on it, which differs from the perspective of the next person.
I’m sure there are plenty of other guys that have gone along with the hookup in the same situation, so that means there’s more than one opinion out there. You’ll want to practice taking a rejection in stride, and realizing it’s more about the other person than it is about you.
It doesn’t sound like you were deliberately trying to catfish or lure anyone with misleading information, so you can rest assured you’re not purposely doing anything wrong. Intention is everything, and it sounds like you really felt you were representing yourself accurately. For that, I’d suggest letting go of any guilt and shame, which are never healthy feelings to carry.
Instead, practice letting go of the situation, and being gentle with yourself, reminding yourself that “ruining the apps” by bamboozling someone was not what you had set out to do.
From there, you can decide how you might want to pivot in your “fishing” so that you minimize risk of something like this happening again. Maybe it’s time to think about using some new photos? I’ve even heard of guys captioning their photos with a disclaimer that they are a few years old, but that you look mostly the same. Bottom line: Just be very clear.
The more transparent and honest you can be when marketing yourself, the better…and that goes for listing your age as well! Heck, it might even be wise to set expectations low, so that when your next date comes over, he’ll be pleasantly surprised.
“You look even better in person than in your pictures!” he’ll say. Hear that, and something tells me the $30 Uber fee will be ancient history.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.
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m
Not cool to use old photos. I can imagine how the guy felt seeing someone who didn’t look like their pictures. That being said, he could’ve been less mean. Just walk away would have been fine. Kindness doesn’t cost anything.
Raphael
You didn’t! People have unrealistic expectations, the photo is a 2D inanimate image, it is meant to give you an idea of ??what the person looks like, it is not meant to be a carbon copy of the real you.
RomanHans
“some viscous group”
At first I thought Jake meant “vicious” but the dictionary says viscous means thick or sticky so that tracks too.
MISTERJETT
maybe not because of the way you look, but the fact that you misrepresented yourself. in other words, lied. if you lied about that, what else would you lie about???
number13baby
Pics from eight or nine years ago?!? Everyone has a phone with a camera on it today. If you are too embarrassed to show up honestly, then don’t play the game. Or don’t be embarrassed when your called out on it.
Raphael
How did he lie!? It were his pictures! Honestly, most people look pretty much the same through midlife, people change a lot when they are young or old… The problem is that people have lost their minds, everyone expects people to be exactly as they are in the picture, pixel by pixel, but the picture is a 2D image, there’s the light at the moment, the angle… People expect you to show up with the same clothes, the same hair length and style, products, accessories… Unless you take a photo every day to update your profiles, you’re not going to be exactly like the picture. Also, let’s be honest, no one chooses the “ugly” photo, or even the “normal” photo to put on their profile, they chose the very best of them, usually the ones in which they look better than they actually are, don’t they?
McSteve
He DID lie. There’s a reason he uses pictures that are almost a decade old, because he thinks he looked better then. Obviously the guy he lied to thinks the same thing. I had the same thing happen, the guy showed up and did not look like his younger photos and I called him out on it. He said, “so I’m a little grayer and a little heavier”. I replied, “So am I! But you knew that before you showed up. What you don’t realize is that there are people looking for you as you are, not as you used to be. But you’ll never meet them because you aren’t being truthful.”
If you start off with a deception that’s a turn off to the other person you have no one to blame but yourself.
John
I completely agree. He intentionally did not use a recent photo because he knew he looked better 8 or 9 years ago. He was being deceitful and now he’s playing the victim. The guy had every right to be upset. He was lied to.
startenout
He most certainly did wrong and KNOWS he did. Using pictures nearly a decade old and the justifying it by saying he still thinks he looks good for his age… then take pictures at your age and send those.
I know I look good for being 50, but not as good as 40, and at 40 I wasn’t as young looking as 30. It’s just a fact of how aging works for most people. But if you’re not honest about your pics, are you honest about other things like relationship status, being free of STDs or anything else?
At least be honest with yourself and admit that you know you were trying to deceive.
Diplomat
He deserved to be called out on the obvious.
nm4047
the story also sounds like the AI written story is catfishing.